I completely forgot about this blog but logging in for the first time in years it all suddenly came back to me.
Things are okay at the moment. I'm still working as a ______ (not sure if I'd already disclosed my job in previous posts), I'm now married, have a mortgage, and a baby on the way. Funny how life changes. When you're in the throes of depression it is so hard to see past the darkness that envelopes you. Hard to think about the future, let alone think about what you'll do in an hour's time.
I'm still on antidepressants, no doubt about it. But I've had CBT for my OCD and anxiety. I've had amazing support from my line manager and colleagues at my work place (which I've been there for five, FIVE, years). I've never been told what my official diagnosis is on my medical records but as far as I'm concerned it's just depression and anxiety (with a sprinkling of OCD). I haven't developed any features of bipolar or schizoaffective disorder. I think what I was experiencing almost 10 years ago was just heightened anxiety and perhaps one off episodes of hypomania ?as a result of my antidepressants, who knows.
If someone had told me back then that I'd be where I am now, I'd laugh and say you were being cruel making such a sick joke like that. Like I said earlier, it's hard to envisage the future when the black dog nips incessantly at your feet. I'm in a very privileged and thankful place in my life where things seem to be going alright (minus the whole global pandemic we've got).
I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I guess I just wanted to update this blog with something positive. And say to anyone who happens to come across this blog - it will get better. It won't be easy, it won't happen instantly, and there will be bumps along the way where you feel you're headed back to square one. There is no shame in "failing" and relapsing. It doesn't mean everything has been a waste of time. I've relapsed a few times in the last few years and I don't think I'll personally be able to cope without antidepressants in my life now. Sad (pun not intended) but true for my experience and life. Doesn't mean it'll be the same for you.
Basically, keep climbing that mountain of depression/anxiety/whatever you're struggling with. It will get better. And you will get through it as a stronger person than you ever would've imagined.
