If you're gonna delete a post of mine on a forum

At least fucking PM me about it. Fuck you.

I understand why it was deleted (it wasn't offensive but anyway) but instead of sneakily deleting it and hoping no-one would mention it again, PM me yeah? What, you think I wouldn't fucking notice? Fuck off. Dick.

That awkward moment

when you only get 2 and a half hours sleep and you wake up accidentally by scratching your head.

So I can't sleep.

And I dunno, it might have something to do with the fact that I spent at least 12 hours sleeping this morning. Like...I didn't really properly wake up until 3pm. And that was only because I had a Sainsbury's delivery due between 3-4pm.

I dunno why I've been so tired for the past few days. And I feel so ashamed - I haven't touched my dissertation in days. Not since Monday or Tuesday I think. I'm such a lazy cow.

So yeah, I can't sleep. And I don't want to take any zopiclone. I still have about 6 tabs left but I want to save it in case I really need it. And I've run out of GB from my 3 internet til tomorrow (Monday). So I can't even pass the time online. I just want some company I think. I feel a bit alone. Even when mum came in to say goodnight I was like 'ahh, keep me company!' in a half-joking way.

Oh just seen, it's 20/11/2011. 20/11 if that makes sense.

I dunno why my mood is down. I dunno why I feel....sad. I certainly feel fat, really want to lose the weight I've put on.

Ah I dunno. I keep saying that. Maybe I just need to sleep. Let's see how I feel later.

Fuck.

I went out and felt anxious. Felt that people were looking at me. I was even waiting at a crossing for cars to go past, and caught someone looking straight at me. That just kinda confirms my fears, doesn't it?

I try and rationalise my thoughts and say 'oh maybe it's just people admiring your hairstyle (got black & blue plaits)' or 'people are just glancing like you usually do when you're out and about'. But...it feels more than that. People. Are. Watching.

When I was in Crisis House a few months ago, there was a period where I thought if I was thinking too much, then people would be able to hear what I was thinking. Sometimes I still think that but....ugh.

And why has my mood come down? Last weekend I was feeling happy, then at the start of this week I was even happier...But it's not true happiness. I know it's not, it doesn't feel real.

Maybe I have got schizoaffective disorder. I wouldn't be surprised. I dunno wtf is going on. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!

Oh hey...

I feel like shit and my internet is nearly finished. Won't get it topped up til Monday or something. *sigh* I feel sleepy, I don't know why, I went to bed at the same time I usually do. And I'm worrying again over nothing I can think of. I'm so tired I can't even be bothered to go out. I told myself I'd go to my cousin's place today but I just can't be bothered. And I need to go out and buy food, well I've just completed an online order for Sainsbury's tomorrow. I just want to stay iiiiiiiiiin.

I'm so tired I haven't even taken my medication yet. I might just skip it, now that it's nearly 3 in the afternoon.

It was a 5

Now it's a 6. What's that you say? It's my mood! My mood was a bit down for most of today, staying under the covers, just wasting time playing computer games, nothing of real value. But yesterday I offered to cook for mum and do some stew and fried chicken. She said okay, and after around 3:45pm I started preparing and cooking it. I was listening to my music on the mp3 player, singing out loud. Then afterwards I made some apple & porridge and I have to say my mood improved. I felt happy that I was doing something nice and helpful for mum. And when she came home she said the house smelt nice, and that made me smile. :)

My mood is dwindling.

I don't know why. I've got that feeling again that I get from time to time when I feel worried and anxious about something and get that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.

My foot

is itchy as fuck. Been scratching it for the last 5-10 minutes now. Fuckity fuck.

Anyway therapy is going well. Pete* suggested that the negative thinking might be me wanting to maintain a victim role or something. We agreed that I should try and develop the 3rd aspect of my self - i.e. the part that is able to reflect and contradict the negative part. He used a specific word (beginning with 'C' I think) but I've forgotten it...

Also he got a call from my counsellor at uni - apparently she thinks I'm 'talented'. I told him that I find it hard to take on and believe when people say positive things about me. It's like by being negative I avoid disappointing myself and others, so it's almost like a comfort to be negative. It feels safe. Whereas if I'm positive, then there's always the possibility of being 'bought back down to earth' and being hurt.

I'm not a fucking idiot. Ah but it's so easy for me to say I am. No, I'm not an idiot. I am bright, conscientious and well-spoken. Where's the proof? I've gotten A's and B's in my coursework during uni, I've been told numerous times that I'm intelligent, I'm able to read almost anything and understand it, my command of English is very good, and I'm not finding this degree course too hard at all. I am intelligent.

Ah, but isn't it big-headed of people to say 'I'm intelligent'? Okay, I'm bright. I. Am. A. Bright. Person.

And also itchy as fuck, ugh.

CPA

went okay. Nothing major. Though I was giggly. Maybe more so than usual, I dunno. The doctor asked if I'm usually like that and I couldn't really answer if I was or not. I don't think I am, but who knows. My CC said she thinks it's the real me, which was cool and nice to hear.

No change in meds, and the doc said she'll review in 3 months time. Coolio.

Ah

it's bloody cold. Fuck this.

My mood

is slowly but surely coming down. Fuck.

I'm worrying about something.

What, I don't know. Ugh wtf, I was fine, now I'm worrying, stressing, no not stressing, just worrying. Anxiety~

To sleep or not to sleep?

Yeah that is a question.

So...

I finally got motivated enough to do some of my dissertation work. I spent nearly 3 hours searching online for research papers, spent some time reading about 4 or 5 papers, printed some off etc etc. I feel really happy and proud that I've done as much as I have. I've got two papers in mind that I'll critique and another two that I'll use to evaluate them and stuff. Amazing!

But while I was reading through the first paper, I suddenly thought of the email I got a few days ago from a colleague of mine asking for help with the research module. She's asked for help before and I gave it, even though it was tiring and I went out of my fucking way to help. And I literally mean out of my way.

But the thought of helping her now is just too much. I am fucking cracking here, well not really, not at the moment. But I'm lucky that I have only this module to focus on. I can't be helping someone else out, that's too much stress for me. I need to take things slow.

Ah but how to tell her gently but firmly that I can't help out. I know she'll be like 'oh but please, just help me with this one little piece I don't understand...' and before you know it I'm doing the fucking work for her.

Yes third year is tough. Yes this research piece counts for a high majority of our classification. Yes it's stressful. But shit girl, I got my own problems to deal with. Go to your supervisor, ask other people in the class for help. But don't bother me please, especially if you knew all the shit I've been through this year.

My feet are cold.

And I've put on so much weight, it's ridiculous.

Also why is my mood up and down, wtf is that about?

Meh, gonna play a bit of Tetris and then hopefully hopefully do some of my dissertation. Woo!

One week up, one week down.

Wtf is that all about? Last week I was feeling down and despondent and I wasn't nearing suicide but I just felt generally shit. And now I feel alright. Honestly. How long will this last, who knooooooooows.

Oh hey...

(x)

Listening to:

Embody by SebastiAn. I really like it.

You know when you're motivated but can't be bothered at the same time?

Yeah. That's me right now.

I transferred £48.52 into my account a few days ago...

and £18.52 of that was to pay for this months internet. But I can't for the life of me remember why I needed an extra £30 in there.

Oh wait! Just remembered - overdraft fees. Ha, I'm so silly sometimes.

Ahh I just had beans on toast.

Tastes lovely. And I feel happy so that's cool. ;)

Don't ever come down.

Bitch please don't come down ever, don't cry okay. Yeah I'm amazing right.

Yeah. :D

I'm okay. I'll be amazing. :D

I don't want to sleep later.

What if this feeling I have goes away again? It's not like how it was a few months ago when I was super hyper for a few days, but it's getting there.

Am I forcing it to come out? No, it's just happening. But I don't want it to go away, I want it to become bigger and bigger AND BIGGER!

Be happy all the time, be confident not feel confident BE CONFIDENT. I am confident I'm amazing. I feel good.

I feel fat but I feel good, I'm amazing aren't I? I am aren't I? Wow. No don't say wow you idiot. Don't call me an idiot you fucking bitch.

But I'm good right? I am amazing aren't I? :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Feel good.

Listening to new music on Spotify, currently listening to SebastiAn (French electro). And I went out with mum to get her TV fixed. So yeah, cooolio!

Fuck it, I'm eating porridge.

So I forgot to mention the other day...

when I saw my CC, I was quite distressed. And anyway, while she was talking to me I heard a door slam outside almost like someone was angry, and I suddenly thought 'They're angry at me'.

Now, I know that is impossible - how could someone slam the door because of me when I've been in the same room with someone else for the past half an hour? But I felt so guilty and ashamed almost, that I had caused that door to be slammed like that. Mad, right?

I still feel hungry.

Why is that? I've eaten today already and yet...I wanna eat more. Greedy cow.

Ugh here we go again, I swear this negative part of me is becoming louder and is so harsh.

Bitch. I want you to fuck off.

I don't understand what it is. Is it me? Is it someone else? I think it's me, but in a split sense. I won't say split personality because I don't believe that is me, but it's certainly and definitely something.

And I weighed myself today at those scales you find in chemists - 14st 4lbs / 90.7kg. When I was in hospital in Luton this year I was 77kg. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

I'm angry and fine at the same time.

My mood is brighter. Perhaps a 5.5. I'm on a mental health forum trying to help people and I feel kinda happy. Happy that I'm at least trying to give support But angry at the same time. Angry that life is throwing shit at everyone, and angry that for once I feel positive about myself and what I'm doing, and yet I can't hold onto this feeling when I need it most.

I am a good person, surely? I can see the best in people. I am willing to help when someone is broken and needs that bit of hope. So why can I not be that strong person when I'm feeling down and depressed? Why do I criticise myself and put myself down when I feel I don't deserve it?

I am a good person. Good. I have to believe it.

I feel a bit better.

Bit more positive.

I'm broken.

No-one understands, do they?

Not really.

I don't feel worth it.

I got an email today from the lecturer I spoke to yesterday saying I'm worth it. I don't believe so. I don't know. Even when I saw my CC this afternoon she said at the end that I was worth it.

Why can't I believe that?

I just want

someone to tell me what's wrong with me and to explain why. Maybe the why can never be explained and the what can only be guessed at. But give me something so I can begin to understand.

I am aware

that people can and do care for each other. But what I can't work out is if people care for me or are just doing what is morally right by keeping me alive and making me suffer.

Do people care? I hope so but I can't be sure. Why?

Why do I find it so hard to trust people to help me if I need it? Why don't I ever ask for help? Why?

Oh it's streaming down your face, you poor girl.

Am I nice? I don't know.

Take it this way - I am willing to help someone out of love. Compassion. Sympathy. Empathy. So I guess I am nice. But I can't bring myself to believe it.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

You gentle flower. Poor you. But really? Get a grip. Stupid bitch.

Oh my gosh you're so self-critical. Are you the most messed up person in the world? Not crazy enough to kill, but crazy enough to be weird? Be abnormal. I just want to be normal. Please. Please. Make it stop, oh my make it stop.

Make it stop. Oh the tears, the tears. Get a tissue you poor love.

Thank you. Be nice to me please. Don't breakdown, don't ever do that. You're a good person and I love you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Erase the mind and you will be fine.

Erase the mind and you will be fine.

You love me, thank you. Do you love me as a person?

Yes. No doubt.

Oh my! Thank you. Tears streaming down your face, you poor girl. How do you cope?

I don't. Fuck this eternal haywire. Streaming down your face, you poor girl. Aargh, you complete weirdo. But I love you. Right.

Don't make it sound superficial. Don't say it because you have to. Don't say it because you want to. Say it because you mean it.

Oh my. Please mean it. I beg. Do people have to beg for love? I hope not. How sad.

You're sad. And not in a derogatory sense (well done, you spelt that correctly on your first try. You're good at something. Yes!). You're crying and tearful and disturbed. Yes?

you're broken

You will never be alright, never be okay. You will forever live in downtrodden dismay and despair. You know it will happen. I'm sorry to say it but it's true.

Have they dried up? The tears? Good. Well done. Don't be a stupid bitch and start that all over again.

And again.

And

Again.

You're good at something.

You're good at crying and making people think "my goodness, what a worthless piece of crap she is, poor girl. Oh well."

Do people really care? Truly care? I can't decipher. I would hope so, but I just can't...take...it...any...more.

Breathe. And          relax.

Relax, two, three. Go back, correct that.

Correct it well. Correctly it right. Just correct it.

Streaming down your face it is, neverending. OH NO NEVERENDING! I feel so sorry for you, I truly do. Only I understand what it's like to feel pain.

But do you? No. I can only understand myself. Correct that, go back.

Go back, correct that.

I feel sorry for you. You could have had everything. But could you? Probably not. Oh my! You can't see through the tears. The tears OH THE TEARS


You're good at something. You're good at crying. Good at crying. Good at something.

Good at something. Good at crying.

Good at crying. Good at something.

Hey you're good at something, well done! I'm proud of you. Well done. Well done.

I. Am. Proud. Of. You.

Ever heard that? Maybe, a long time ago. Or maybe it's so foreign to you you never did recognise it when it was said. Someone shout out for help!

Dripping down your face is it? My poor girl. Go on, let it out. It's a good job you can type so fast.

So fast. You're good at something else.

And it's all lies. You're not nice. You're not kind. You're not good. You're not considerate. You're not helpful. You're crap at listening (but are you....). You're good at crying though. You're good at something Good at crying. I am so so sorry.

And so it begins

the tears again. My god you can't stop crying. You always cry. Even when you try, you try oh so hard to keep it in but then BAM it comes gushing out like a sorrowful waterfall.


I can't help it, you say, but hey I don't blame you. My god, you're having a conversation with yourself. Quick, grab the pills! Make it stop, make it better!


Will it ever be better? One would hope so. Go back, correct that.


Go back, correct everything.


My god, tears on your pillow, tears on your chest. Tears on your face and all the rest.

And yet

I like the fat you carry, so I can't hold that against you. I take that fucking thing back. But everything else, oh everything else is true.

Isn't it?

Can't deny it can you.

You can't even spell right. You had to go back and correct that last sentence.

And see look - you're such a perfectionist. Even when you rant about yourself you have to make sure every little thing is fucking PERFECT. YOU ARE NOT FUCKING PERFECT.

"Oh but there's no such thing as perfect" - well you're the least closest thing to perfect there is. Idiot.

Can't do this, can't do that.

The world is obsessed with material worth. There are people dying but then it's enevitable, isn't it.

Well fuck that, fucking bullshit piece of worthless crap you are.

"Oh but where has all this come from?" how the fuck am I supposed to know? All I know is you deserve it.

Oh, and if you're reading this back thinking "what the fuck was that all about? L-O-L" then fuck you. Actually F.U.C.K. Y.O.U.

Oh but my day was going so well - fuck you. Life isn't perfect. But then I have to ask myself, my stupid worthless self. You know what fuck this. Fuck everything.

WHERE'S THE PILLS FOR ME TO OVERDOSE FOR GOOD she says.

Where the fuck are they. *sigh* *sigh* *sigh*

I just need you to be quiet. Just for a bit please. Just be quiet. Ssh. That's it. Calm down. Take it easy. There, there.

What I would like

is for someone to shut down the negative aspect of myself. I honestly feel like I'm two almost different persons. One nice oh-so-fucking-shy person butter wouldn't fucking melt and then me. Even though that fucked up bitch is me. But the other part is poison. Fucking poison.

Btw I'm drowning here. Help would be appreciated.

Why me? Oh the whining, it returns!! WHY ME, why not you idiot. It's all your fault AND YET it actually isn't. Maybe I put this all on myself. It was my own fault I became depressed. Right?

Wrong. You can't will yourself to get depressed, stupid piece of shit. You know what annoys me the most about you? You're a fucking idiot. You can't talk to people, can't look them in the eye. "Oh but I'm so generous and considerate" considerate as fuck you are.

You're awkward, stupid, ugly, fat, idiotic, brainless, a failure and a shameful person. "What have I got to be ashamed about?" everything about you dumb fuck.

"Oh but why are you writing such hurtful things wahah" because you deserve it.

I refuse to take

any aripiprazole. It's bad enough that I'm on the 2nd highest dose of sertraline available, and now you want me to take another drug? Fuck off.

No-one has actually said I have to, though my CC did lightly touch upon it a few weeks ago.

And why do I have to build my self-confidence? It ain't never gonna happen. I will always be some pathetic idiotic girl who can't deal with anything that happens in the universe. Fucking bitch.

I face the possibility

of maybe having to go back on aripiprazole. I mean my mood is all over the place.

So today was a good day.

Had an appointment to see my previous counsellor today. I updated her on what had happened since I last saw her in May or something. I really like her; she totally understands me and where I'm coming from and she has an affable persona. Anyway she has a colleague I also know and have seen before, and apparently he spoke to one or two of my lecturers and they've said they're pleased with my clinical work and that they have no worries about that. They just want me to be able to get on with the academic side of it which they believe I'm capable of doing.

It was really nice to hear that. It wasn't a case of me thinking I was a bit shit when I'm on placement, but that...well I guess it's just confidence, really.

And as well as that, I was early for my lecture, and the lecturer saw me sitting outside the classroom about to start my knitting. She invited me in and we had quite a nice chat. She asked me how I was doing and I dunno, I just blurted out how I was trying to get back to 'normal' but was worried about things going wrong again. She also has an affable nature; very easy to talk to. She said it would take time, just like how a broken leg would take months to heal. And I guess she's right.

I'm just...I just keep on relapsing that's all. Hospital at 16, 20 and 22. Two suicide attempts. Self-harm. Depression. What else is wrong with me? Anxiety. Low self-esteem. Low confidence. Shy. Quiet. An irritant. I know this is most likely negative talking but I can't help it. I don't feel like a good enough person. I will never be good enough. Never.


And yet...I know I'm a nice person. I'm a good person. I'm considerate, conscientious. Nice, a good listener. I try to make sure people are alright before me. Sometimes that's to my disadvantage, but it's all with good intentions.

So why do I feel like this? Why do I think this way? Why do I hate myself so much?

Is it possible to come back after two suicide attempts?

I am fucking cracking here. Why the fuck am I crying? I had a good day. I was confident(ish). I was walking around listening to my MP3 player thinking it was the soundtrack to my life. I was told I was bright, that I'd make a good nurse. Capable...But I can't believe any of this shit.


I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

I'd make a good nurse.


I just want an answer. Will everything be alright? I mean think about it - Two suicide attempts by the age of 22. No coping strategies. Family history of psychosis/mental ill health.

I AM FUCKED.

Why me btw? I mean seriously, this is just taking the piss. UGH I WAS HAVING A GOOD DAY.

Feeling better.

Today's a 6 btw, on the mood scale thingy-whatever-you-want-to-call-it bullshit.

Was tempted to go to my cousin's place but I'll go tomorrow. Right now I'm just chilling drinking orange juice and listening to music.

Note to self:

Don't fucking eat nuts first thing in the morning. You will feel nauseous for ages. You dumb fuck.

I feel deflated.

Avoidant personality disorder

People with avoidant personality disorder are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others.

FML.

I'm not saying I have this personality disorder, but I wouldn't be surprised if I did. It just sounds an awful lot like me.

If depression were a person, I would've murdered them by now.

Am I getting depressed again? Cos I haven't taken any arirpiprazole for a month or something since I was told I could come off it, and my mood is just...pleurgh. Exactly that, pleurgh.

Why do I/should I feel guilty for not wanting human contact?

So my cousin says I'm welcome anytime to see him and the kids. I appreciate that. but there are times when I don't want to go out and just want to stay indoors. I know that that will just increase my anxiety, feelings of being alone and increase how depressed I am but at that very moment I don't care.

So I haven't seen them in two or three weeks. I was gonna go yesterday but didn't. I was gonna go today but didn't. And now I feel guilty. But why should I? It's like I feel I'm under obligation to go and see them. Like they're monitoring how often I see them. Am I being paranoid? I dunno.

Anyway I just like staying indoors. Is that such a horrific thing for me to desire? Being in social contact with other people tires me out.

Is it laziness? Maybe Probably. But at the same time I recognise I'm avoiding the outside. I don't like interacting with other people. I'm scared when I hear laughter that people are laughing at me for whatever reason. I get scared when people look at me, judge me.

I'm too self-critical, aren't I? My CC wants us to work on my confidence and self-esteem next time we meet. I know for a fact that my self-esteem is pretty shitty. But I can't see it changing for the better any time soon.

And you know what I've just thought about? One of the activities I'd like to do with Day Opportunities is to join the knitting group. I was told that it was over-subscribed/not running until next year or something like that, but even the thought of going there eventually makes me nervous. Being with other people, talking and pretending to give a fuck. I can't.

Fuck this motherfucking bullshit.

Feeling like shit

again. Why????? Fuck this bullshit.

I was going to go out

and see my cousins but I don't know if I can be bothered now. Life...

Tune in next time to find out if I make it out or not.

That awkward moment when you spend 5 minutes each day wondering if you're a 5 or a 6.

I've joined MoodPanda.

Mood Diary

So today was a kind of sucky day. I felt tearful and avoided eye contact. Today I went to see my therapist then afterwards my CC, so it was a kind of draining day. Anyway my CC suggested keeping a mood diary, considering that last week I was 'fine' and this week I'm feeling like shit again.

I've contemplated keeping a mood diary before, but the ones I kept finding on the net didn't always appeal to me/looked complicated/looked too simple etc etc. I tried making one myself but I didn't stick to that either. I've found one that looks good so hopefully that will give everyone (including myself) some insight into what's going on.

I bought a pair of 9mm knitting needles and two yarns of yellow wool today. 6 quid. No idea why, just spur of the moment shit. But I hate spending money like there's no tomorrow. Maybe I should just hand over my cash and card to my mother, let her be my...thingy (can't think of the word).

Anyway I prefer knitting with this kind of yarn to be honest. Whatever, whatever.

Oh heyyy look, an artistic impression of my mood right now.

Actually I'm not okay.

I dunno. I don't know what my mood is like or even how to describe it. I just feel...bleugh. I feel better than I did two weeks ago, but worse than a few days ago.

It's like I'm worrying or something, but not quite. It's just me being anxious for no reason I suppose, but it's annoying. Everything is annoying. Why can't I just be normal? Be happy? Be...something other than this?

My CC put in a referral to day opportunities service to get me doing some activities. Part of me (my mind) wants to do it because it gets boring and frustrating staying indoors all the time doing nothing worthwhile, but the other part of me (my body or whatever) wants to stay indoors, in bed, by myself. I haven't got the energy to interact with other people.

This is just nerves right? Being nervous about new experiences. I'll be fine, right?

Or maybe it's just because I'm recovering from a cold so I'm bound to feel shit?

I DON'T KNOW.

Who the fuck am I? Is it normal to go through patches of normalcy, then tears, then happiness and all the way back again? I wish someone could just tell me what is wrong with me. Being told I had schizoaffctive disorder was fine with me - I had a diagnosis. A purpose, almost. I knew what was wrong and could find out the different ways I could possibly act. But now that EIS aren't agreeing with HTT's diagnosis and are not sure...I just want to know who I am.

I mean is it just me? Am I overreacting, making a big deal over nothing? Am I...Am I just...I'm sick of saying this, thinking this but I. Just. Do. Not. Know.

I need a hug and maybe some cider.

So yay, the clocks went back yesterday (or today...whatever) so I got an extra hour in bed. But of course here comes the downside - darker days ahead. I hate autumn/winter. So miserable, cold, rainy, snowy, dark, depressing. And also I keep having ups and downs. Downs that I don't want to actualise (is that a word?) by writing it down, ups in just my general mood. I dunno.

I'm okay anyway.

Today my mood is:

Making phone calls

is something I really hate doing. If it's to people I know very well, then it's something within the realms of possibility. But any other time - no way.

My CC wants me to call some people to find out more about joining particular groups. I've got some phone numbers, but to call...no, I just can't see myself doing it. :(

But she's gonna question why I can't make a 'simple' phone call. I just get anxious. I don't know what the other person is going to say on the phone and I can't see their reaction. Sometimes I actually can make a random phone call, but that's when there is a necessity to do so because not doing so will make something happen that will make me feel worse.

Fucking phones.

As an update...

My sleep is now fine. I've got 6 tablets left of zopiclone, but I haven't taken it for almost a month. My appetite could be better. I'm eating unhealthy food and not exercising at all, which is something I want to change. Urm...oh on Thursday my CC said I could stop taking arirpiprazole now and just continue on the sertraline. Got no side effects.

So yeah, just getting on with things as best as I can.

yesterday I felt as though I had to act 'crazy' to get something I'm entitled to.

My CC suggested I'd be eligible for a Freedom Pass, and she gave me a form she'd filled out on my behalf with info from the psychiatric doctor of the EIS team. All I had to do was go to my local service station/centre, fill in another form, show proof of ID then get a letter and go to the Post Office.

When I went to the service station, the guy asked me who the application was for and I said for me. Now please note, freedom passes are for those aged 60 or over or disabled persons. Freedom passes can also be given to those with psychiatric conditions who would not be allowed to hold a valid driving license if they applied for one. But usually when someone thinks of a Freedom pass they think of a visible disability. I have no physical disability so the guy kinda looked surprised, but he managed to hide it well.

Anyway I get the feeling he and the other lady at the service desk were thinking why I was applying for one/thinking 'she shouldn't be entitled'. Except I am. And I had one when I was 16 which was incredibly useful for me.

Having a freedom pass means less stress and worry on money and less chance of missing out on opportunities just because I'm skint. I just felt though that yesterday those that dealt with me thought I was breaking the law or some shit.

Anyway I got the letter and should receive the pass in the next few days. I want my mum to get one though because she is more entitled to it than I am, I believe. Her condition is more 'serious' and enduring. And I do wonder if the DVLA would let her get a driving license.

Everything went better than expected.

I enjoyed myself, managed to talk to people and get on with them quite well. This cohort seems quite lovely. :) Bring on tomorrow.

I'm nervous.

I'm actually annoyed that I have to do my third year again.

Because everyone will be excited and going 'omg third years now'


while I'll just be sitting there like:



Tru facts.

But no, I'm lucky I've been given the opportunity to finish my course. :) Just a shame it's my last chance :O

Personality test

you are a thinker

Your cautiousness, appreciation of functionality, and imagination combine to make you a THINKER.

You have a vivid capacity for imagery that allows you to see beyond your present circumstances.

You like to be sure of yourself before voicing your opinion.

A lot of your time is spent at home, or with the people you care about.

Although you may dream often, you're very aware of how things work, and you value things that work well.

You take comfort in the familiar, and value predictability—and others value those things in you.

Accordingly, you prefer a set routine, and although you often imagine how things can be different, you're hesitant to take risks to change things.

Sometimes you doubt whether you have the ability to face certain challenges, but your practical focus helps you solve most problems.

Because of this, you tend to be more reactive than proactive, thinking thoroughly about the challenges that you face.

You have a broad-based, theoretical understanding of the world that allows you to understand its workings.

You're not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options.

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

You much prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute. Your decisions are well thought out, and you're not the least bit impulsive.

you are considerate

You trust others, care about them, and are slow to judge them, making you CONSIDERATE.

You value your close relationships very much, and are more likely to spend time in small, tightly-knit groups of friends than in large crowds.

You enjoy exploring the world through observation, quietly watching others.

Relating to others so well, and understanding their emotions, leads you to trust people in general, even though you're somewhat shy and reserved at times.

Your belief that people are generally well-intentioned contributes to your sympathy regarding their problems.

Although you may not vocalize it often, you have an awareness of how society affects individuals, and you understand complex causes of people's behavior.

You like to look at all sides of a situation before making a judgment, particularly when that situation involves important things in other people's lives.

Your close friends know you as a good listener.

http://www.personaldna.com/

I need to exercise and lose all this weight I've put on.

But can I be bothered? Nah.

It irks me when people say

..."lolz, I've got OCD" when they seriously haven't.

So okay, I sometimes make light of my 'OCD' (some say I have it, others say I haven't) but I feel entitled to because I legitimately have it. But people who say they do when it's something that practically everyone does/doesn't cause constant thoughts and destructive behaviours such as "ololololol I have to change my socks once a day, text it <33 ~~" are just idiots. Just:

 

Fuck it, I'm going to make it.

I. Am. Going. To. Succeed.

Listening to "As Above, So Below (Justice remix)" by the Klaxons

...and I feel positive. I was worrying about going back to uni and how everyone seems to have already graduated and/or moved on with their lives while I'm stuck in a rut, but wait a minute. Even though it will take an additional two years for me to eventually pass this course than the standard 3 years, why should I feel sad? It just means I'm getting more education, thus I'll hopefully be a better nurse.

I filled in an Advance Directive

(it kinda looks like this)

It was alright. Just asked me what kinda treatment I wanted/didn't want and so on. And I photocopied myself a copy on orange paper. Just to jazz it up a little.

In other news, I'm due back at university next week. Kind of excited. But at the same time I feel as though I'm not quite ready. As if...I'm hesitant. I'm not going to be going back to classes full on as I've already (thankfully) passed two modules. But I'm still...I dunno, I really can't express it into words.

Maybe it's just nerves and laziness because I'm so used to being at home, doing nothing strenuous. Who knows.

The grass is always greener

It's Sunday night and I have no last-minute homework to get going with. No packing my bag for the next morning. No sorting out what I'm going to wear. It feels so weird.

Not that I miss having homework, goodness no. But the feeling of having something to do, something to look forward to, that what I'm missing.

Hopefully that will be sorted out by the end of the month. I'm due to restart university from the 26th of this month. It's my last chance. As I'm doing nursing, I have to abide by NMC standards. And they state an individual has to finish their nursing course within 5 years of starting it. I started in 2007, so I have to finish by this time next year. I hope I can make it.

I'm just getting paranoid and anxious that something will happen that will prevent my from finishing. Like I'll be involved in a car accident, or I'll somehow be disabled or something desperately tragic will happen in my life between now and next year. I'm certainly over-thinking things; my pessimism has decided to join my anxious mind.

I got a week's supply of meds from EIS. Anyway...

---

I just watched a programme called 'I Used To Be Fat' and the girl (Daria) moved schools. She was popular, used to dance etc then when she moved she used food as a comforter. Anyway they showed a clip of her approaching two girls and starting a conversation with them and then asking if they wanted to go for a coffee. This made me feel both insanely jealous and envious.

I wish I had the confidence to do such a thing. Life is short, but to forgo one's anxieties and negative self-fulfilling prophecies is hard. I'd love to go to uni and easily make friends with my fellow colleagues and just do something as seemingly innocuous as going for a drink.

A girl can dream.

Facing nearly a week without medication

So this is fun.

The whole GP/meds thing wasn't sorted yesterday. My mum went to the GP on my behalf and they just prescribed the 5mg of abilify saying that's the most important medication. Not to me it's not. The most important medication for me is the sertraline. I'm not taking anything unless I get my 150mg sertraline.

I'm seeing my CC on Tuesday so hopefully...hopefully things will get sorted out.

---

It's a busy week next week - seeing my CC on Tuesday, going to uni on Wednesday to see if and when I can resume my studies (it feels weird that I want to go back when I was quite prepared to fucking die a few months ago). Then on Thursday I have a long assessment meeting. Fun.

So...I'm being fucked about.

Someone from HTT and/or EIS conveniently forgot to pass on my medication details to my GP. So of course when it came to me filling in my repeat prescription, the doctor looked at my notes and wondered wtf I was going on about. They've only got the details of me being on 5mg of arirpiprazole.

Now, I handed in my RPx leaving enough tablets for about 3 days before it would run out. But the GP is still trying to get it organised by contacting EIS to ask what meds I should be on. My meds ran out today!

So I'm hoping it'll get sorted tomorrow. I don't really fancy having yet another relapse. C'mon now.

If I'm not allowed back into uni to finish my remaining 6 months and/or I'm unable to even finish it anyway...

I guess I don't mind being crazy as long as it doesn't interfere with my day to day activities of trying to live a fucking life.

BTW, I've applied for DLA (disability living allowance). This is the last thing I want to do, but considering I don't get paid while off sick at uni, and I'm not entitled to Jobseekers allowance or even employment and support allowance, this is my last chance of getting SOME SORT OF HELP from the state.


I'm not hyper, I promise.

I now have a care co-ordinator from.... drum roll please...

Early Intervention in Psychosis! This is due to the family history of psychosis, hallucinations etc etc.

So yeah. No big deal. Having said that, I'm feeling good today. I feel like I'm ready to go back to university when I'm able to.

So...I'm supposed to be fine with the weight gain of my meds while it keeps me 'sane'.

Yeah that's fine. Not.

effects of zopiclone

Once you start feeling the metallic aftertaste in the back of your throat having taken zopiclone, then the drowsyness kicks in.

Possibly followed by messy co-ordination, especially if you're typing an you eyes are going hazy.

Maybe there'll be a phase of amnesia.

Then sleep.

EIP/CMHT/HTT and now PACT *cough*bullshit*cough*

Today I had a joint assessment with Early Intervention in Psychosis (EIP) and CMHT to see where my care co-ordinator will be allocated from. HTT (Home Treatment Team) seem to think I should go to EIP because I've had 'pre-domal psychotic symptoms' such as giggling while talking about my overdose (yeah that was a bit weird; I can barely remember doing that), withdrawing, avoiding eye contact, going mute etc etc. But EIP (and myself) think I should go to CMHT as they think my symptoms are more affective and to do with mood disorders rather than anything psychotic.

To be honest I'm not bothered either way. As long as I get the support I need, then I don't care. Having said that, I don't believe I've experienced any psychotic episodes/symptoms etc. It all comes down to the individual who's assessing me and what my presentation is like on the day, but I think I'm more of a neurotic than a psychotic individual.

In other news, my Home Treatment Team have now been rebranded as Psychiatric Acute Community Team also known as PACT. The most ridiculous name I've ever heard. So pretentious it hurts. And they're now 9-5, so if someone is in a crisis they'll have to go to A&E. Whoopee!

I may be getting obsessed with Harry Potter.

The sorting hat says that I belong in Hufflepuff!

Said Hufflepuff, "I'll teach the lot, and treat them just the same."

Hufflepuff students are friendly, fair-minded, modest, and hard-working. A well-known member was Cedric Diggory, who represented Hogwarts in the most recent Triwizard Tournament.

Take the most scientific Harry Potter
Quiz ever created.
Get Sorted Now!

Eating.

I think the increase in sertraline is kicking in because my appetite has gone through the roof. I can’t stop wanting to eat, even when I know I’ve eaten enough. This is crazy. I know I can exercise but it’s hard to exercise (I want to skip) when you live in a first floor flat. And I’d feel uncomfortable skipping at crisis house with the potential for other residents seeing me.

What the fuck am I meant to do? Either I keep taking the meds and have positive mental health or reduce them/stop taking them/take a different anti-depressant and risk feeling like shit again.

Oooh mental illness, you are a c*nt.

So apparently I don't even have OCD. Whatever.

Still can't sleep btw

I am not schizoaffective.

Can I just say I disagree with my diagnosis. The doctor is coming in about 6 hours, and I want to ask her exactly what makes her think I have schizoaffective disorder. I haven't had any psychotic....oh wait I have.

Seriously, I just remembered on the day I got sectioned and restrained last year I had a delusionary thought that my mum and the staff (one staff in particular) were up to something. My mum had come to visit me as usual and she did something she never usually did. She told me to take care of myself. And a staff member was there and said "We'll look after" and smiled. He later had to restrain me with about 1 or 2 other male members of staff.

Being restrained is not fun. I didn't get the opportunity to be debriefed over what happened, which created some resentment initally. I still feel angry towards having been tranquillised, as I was calm until the manager told me off for sitting on the desk/barrier near the nurse's office. At least I took the haloperidol orally and didn't have to suffer the humilation of being given an IM in my arse in front of everyone.

But I digress. That was only one episode. So does that make this diagnosis valid? Cos I don't have any psychotic/delusionary features when I'm well. I know it may not seem important to most people, but I want to know who I am. Having a label atually helps sometimes. It gives me a sense of knowing what's wrong with me, why I may act in a particular way and so on.

Am I in denial? No. I refute the fact that I have a 'psychosis-based' diagnosis.

Mad girl

Just leaving this here...

I slept at 10pm by accident. I woke up 2 hours later still in my jeans and top. I was gonna take zopiclone but I guess my body had other ideas. And now it's too late to take it.

It's 2:09am and I'm just surfing the net, nothing to do...la la la.

2 overdoses and a weekend away in Malta

The above statement/title is not entirely true. I have had two suicide attempts but have never been to Malta.

So my modus operandi seems to be paracetamol. As a teenager I took about 9 or 10 tablets. I was intending to take more, but I'd crushed them for some reason.

At the age of 22, a mere few months ago, I took another overdose. A big one. Approximately 40 tablets/20mg of paracetamol with some ibuprofen & asprin, requiring an IV drip of n-acetylcysteine and some projectile vomiting. Both overdoses were with the intent to die.

There's a checklist or something on suicide intent. This isn't the one I was thinking of, but it'll do:

I ticked all the boxes on both occassions. So yeah.

Dreams bordering on nightmares are not nice.

Happy pills

A sexy line-up of pills, featuring from l-r: 100mg sertraline, 10mg arirpiprazole and 50mg sertraline.

Cakey

Made Lemon Drizzle cake at Crisis House today. Thought it was gonna end up shit because it started to overflow in the tin and drip down into the oven, but it looks okay. Can't taste it though, it's got eggs, and I dislike 'em.

Started thinking negatively when that happened as well. I tried to counteract these thoughts; I almost wanted to bang my head against the wall. I'm too much of a perfectionist.

Erm wut? Sertraline also causes insomnia. I’ve had 50mg before with no problem, so I still think it’s Ablify causing the sleep problems. But I am on 150mg now and was on 75mg and 100mg a few weeks before.

Also in rare causes sertraline can cause heart attacks. Ay carumba!

Took the z-drug during my weekend leave cos HTT came to deliver it, but they haven’t delivered any more. I know I asked for it to be PRN, but c’mon...ugh, I hate arirpiprazole. You bastard.

PS: 3.75mg doesn’t seem to be very effective for some reason. Meh.

Well hello there, 5AM time.

Zopiclone and being drunk

Last night I took 3.75mg of zopiclone. In the past I've had it at this dose and it worked, but last night it didn't totally work. I mean yeah, I was able to sleep through most of the night, but I still woke up early. I took another dose tonight about half an hour ago. I feel drowsy but still slightly alert.

It'd be nice to feel refreshed in the morning. *yawn* Here. We. Go.

PS: I haven't consumed any alcohol, it's just that zopiclone makes me feel as though I have.

One good thing about being a student nurse and having MH issues is the fact that I read up on things that happen or might happen to me (in terms of psychiatry) and it broadens my knowledge of the mind.

Huh, I guess there is a positive to being so depressed when you want to die in an instant.

2 things

1: I went on price-drop.tv earlier and bought (a seriously sexy looking red) handbag for £15 (minus P+P), even though I'm nearly skint

2: Because I went to her concert 2 years ago and fucking love her.....

FUCK YOU, MENTAL ILLNESS

*sigh*

Everyone I know is moving on with their life. I've got school friends having babies, getting engaged, graduating. And yet here I am: depressed, in a crisis/rehabilitation house, 3 or 4 hospitalisations, 2 suicide attempts, self harm, postponing my uni course yet again...the list goes on.

But do you know what I regret? Not having a boyfriend. Someone to hold onto, to hug, kiss, laugh, cry.

When I took my 2nd overdose, I was in a public area. And a guy got chatting to me (he didn't know I'd taken an overdose btw. It was like he saw me popping pills and thought he'd nonchantly try and chat me up). His name was Kim, and he gave me his number but I lost it as I was being assisted to the ambulance that was called for me. I know a few details about him, but not his last name, or the uni he studied in, or the place he works at. I'm gutted that I can't seem to find him. I honestly got on well with him, and I keep thinking things will be even btter if I find him...

Let me find him.

My zopiclone didn’t get delivered, so guess who’s gonna be feeling shit in the morning? ME!

What the fuck...

AAAARGH, someone knocked on my door 5 minutes ago. I was having a dream about reading Wikipedia about how people in the UK are related to the French and how they used to fight with wolves, then their blood would mix with the wolves’ blood creating a werewolf (I know, weird). I’m having enough trouble as it is trying to stay asleep without random people knocking on my door at night. I think I know who it is but still.

The doctor came yesterday. She’s increased my antidepressant of sertraline to 150mg. I feel apprehensive about that. What if I go waaaaaay too high on that dose? No offence, but I don’t wanna end up like Stacey Slater in Eastenders.

I also asked for PRN zopiclone. Zopiclone is amazing. It knocks you out; it’s almost like being drunk. And you sleep so soundly. I didn’t want to take it last night cos my sleep appeared to be improving a little bit, but guess what? Someone’s gonna be taking a lil 3.75mg dose tonight.

Life is such a vicious bitch; I wanna fucking stab it.

I can't sleep!

It’s annoying. For I dunno how many weeks, I’ve been unable to have a full night’s sleep. Every day, I go to bed at let’s say 10-11pm, and wake up a few hours later at 2, 3, 4 or sometimes 5 in the morning. Then I can’t sleep for a few hours before falling asleep at around 6am.

This is insomnia, right? Inability to sleep or stay asleep? I think it’s arirpiprazole causing it. I’m on 10mg (low dose) but I already had side effects of akathesia on 5mg, so I don’t doubt this sleeping problem is down to this tiny weeny tablet.

It’s all cute and innocent, this tablet. Also known as Abilify (‘abilify’ you to what, not sleep?) 5mg is a pale blue colour while 10mg is a pale baby pink. I’m tempted to stop taking it, but at the same time I don’t want to continue my family’s tradition of experiencing psychotic episodes. Being depressed and occasionally being high ‘n’ hyper is far enough for me, thanks.