If you're gonna delete a post of mine on a forum

At least fucking PM me about it. Fuck you.

I understand why it was deleted (it wasn't offensive but anyway) but instead of sneakily deleting it and hoping no-one would mention it again, PM me yeah? What, you think I wouldn't fucking notice? Fuck off. Dick.

That awkward moment

when you only get 2 and a half hours sleep and you wake up accidentally by scratching your head.

So I can't sleep.

And I dunno, it might have something to do with the fact that I spent at least 12 hours sleeping this morning. Like...I didn't really properly wake up until 3pm. And that was only because I had a Sainsbury's delivery due between 3-4pm.

I dunno why I've been so tired for the past few days. And I feel so ashamed - I haven't touched my dissertation in days. Not since Monday or Tuesday I think. I'm such a lazy cow.

So yeah, I can't sleep. And I don't want to take any zopiclone. I still have about 6 tabs left but I want to save it in case I really need it. And I've run out of GB from my 3 internet til tomorrow (Monday). So I can't even pass the time online. I just want some company I think. I feel a bit alone. Even when mum came in to say goodnight I was like 'ahh, keep me company!' in a half-joking way.

Oh just seen, it's 20/11/2011. 20/11 if that makes sense.

I dunno why my mood is down. I dunno why I feel....sad. I certainly feel fat, really want to lose the weight I've put on.

Ah I dunno. I keep saying that. Maybe I just need to sleep. Let's see how I feel later.

Fuck.

I went out and felt anxious. Felt that people were looking at me. I was even waiting at a crossing for cars to go past, and caught someone looking straight at me. That just kinda confirms my fears, doesn't it?

I try and rationalise my thoughts and say 'oh maybe it's just people admiring your hairstyle (got black & blue plaits)' or 'people are just glancing like you usually do when you're out and about'. But...it feels more than that. People. Are. Watching.

When I was in Crisis House a few months ago, there was a period where I thought if I was thinking too much, then people would be able to hear what I was thinking. Sometimes I still think that but....ugh.

And why has my mood come down? Last weekend I was feeling happy, then at the start of this week I was even happier...But it's not true happiness. I know it's not, it doesn't feel real.

Maybe I have got schizoaffective disorder. I wouldn't be surprised. I dunno wtf is going on. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!

Oh hey...

I feel like shit and my internet is nearly finished. Won't get it topped up til Monday or something. *sigh* I feel sleepy, I don't know why, I went to bed at the same time I usually do. And I'm worrying again over nothing I can think of. I'm so tired I can't even be bothered to go out. I told myself I'd go to my cousin's place today but I just can't be bothered. And I need to go out and buy food, well I've just completed an online order for Sainsbury's tomorrow. I just want to stay iiiiiiiiiin.

I'm so tired I haven't even taken my medication yet. I might just skip it, now that it's nearly 3 in the afternoon.

It was a 5

Now it's a 6. What's that you say? It's my mood! My mood was a bit down for most of today, staying under the covers, just wasting time playing computer games, nothing of real value. But yesterday I offered to cook for mum and do some stew and fried chicken. She said okay, and after around 3:45pm I started preparing and cooking it. I was listening to my music on the mp3 player, singing out loud. Then afterwards I made some apple & porridge and I have to say my mood improved. I felt happy that I was doing something nice and helpful for mum. And when she came home she said the house smelt nice, and that made me smile. :)

My mood is dwindling.

I don't know why. I've got that feeling again that I get from time to time when I feel worried and anxious about something and get that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.

My foot

is itchy as fuck. Been scratching it for the last 5-10 minutes now. Fuckity fuck.

Anyway therapy is going well. Pete* suggested that the negative thinking might be me wanting to maintain a victim role or something. We agreed that I should try and develop the 3rd aspect of my self - i.e. the part that is able to reflect and contradict the negative part. He used a specific word (beginning with 'C' I think) but I've forgotten it...

Also he got a call from my counsellor at uni - apparently she thinks I'm 'talented'. I told him that I find it hard to take on and believe when people say positive things about me. It's like by being negative I avoid disappointing myself and others, so it's almost like a comfort to be negative. It feels safe. Whereas if I'm positive, then there's always the possibility of being 'bought back down to earth' and being hurt.

I'm not a fucking idiot. Ah but it's so easy for me to say I am. No, I'm not an idiot. I am bright, conscientious and well-spoken. Where's the proof? I've gotten A's and B's in my coursework during uni, I've been told numerous times that I'm intelligent, I'm able to read almost anything and understand it, my command of English is very good, and I'm not finding this degree course too hard at all. I am intelligent.

Ah, but isn't it big-headed of people to say 'I'm intelligent'? Okay, I'm bright. I. Am. A. Bright. Person.

And also itchy as fuck, ugh.

CPA

went okay. Nothing major. Though I was giggly. Maybe more so than usual, I dunno. The doctor asked if I'm usually like that and I couldn't really answer if I was or not. I don't think I am, but who knows. My CC said she thinks it's the real me, which was cool and nice to hear.

No change in meds, and the doc said she'll review in 3 months time. Coolio.

Ah

it's bloody cold. Fuck this.

My mood

is slowly but surely coming down. Fuck.

I'm worrying about something.

What, I don't know. Ugh wtf, I was fine, now I'm worrying, stressing, no not stressing, just worrying. Anxiety~

To sleep or not to sleep?

Yeah that is a question.

So...

I finally got motivated enough to do some of my dissertation work. I spent nearly 3 hours searching online for research papers, spent some time reading about 4 or 5 papers, printed some off etc etc. I feel really happy and proud that I've done as much as I have. I've got two papers in mind that I'll critique and another two that I'll use to evaluate them and stuff. Amazing!

But while I was reading through the first paper, I suddenly thought of the email I got a few days ago from a colleague of mine asking for help with the research module. She's asked for help before and I gave it, even though it was tiring and I went out of my fucking way to help. And I literally mean out of my way.

But the thought of helping her now is just too much. I am fucking cracking here, well not really, not at the moment. But I'm lucky that I have only this module to focus on. I can't be helping someone else out, that's too much stress for me. I need to take things slow.

Ah but how to tell her gently but firmly that I can't help out. I know she'll be like 'oh but please, just help me with this one little piece I don't understand...' and before you know it I'm doing the fucking work for her.

Yes third year is tough. Yes this research piece counts for a high majority of our classification. Yes it's stressful. But shit girl, I got my own problems to deal with. Go to your supervisor, ask other people in the class for help. But don't bother me please, especially if you knew all the shit I've been through this year.

My feet are cold.

And I've put on so much weight, it's ridiculous.

Also why is my mood up and down, wtf is that about?

Meh, gonna play a bit of Tetris and then hopefully hopefully do some of my dissertation. Woo!

One week up, one week down.

Wtf is that all about? Last week I was feeling down and despondent and I wasn't nearing suicide but I just felt generally shit. And now I feel alright. Honestly. How long will this last, who knooooooooows.

Oh hey...

(x)

Listening to:

Embody by SebastiAn. I really like it.

You know when you're motivated but can't be bothered at the same time?

Yeah. That's me right now.

I transferred £48.52 into my account a few days ago...

and £18.52 of that was to pay for this months internet. But I can't for the life of me remember why I needed an extra £30 in there.

Oh wait! Just remembered - overdraft fees. Ha, I'm so silly sometimes.

Ahh I just had beans on toast.

Tastes lovely. And I feel happy so that's cool. ;)

Don't ever come down.

Bitch please don't come down ever, don't cry okay. Yeah I'm amazing right.

Yeah. :D

I'm okay. I'll be amazing. :D

I don't want to sleep later.

What if this feeling I have goes away again? It's not like how it was a few months ago when I was super hyper for a few days, but it's getting there.

Am I forcing it to come out? No, it's just happening. But I don't want it to go away, I want it to become bigger and bigger AND BIGGER!

Be happy all the time, be confident not feel confident BE CONFIDENT. I am confident I'm amazing. I feel good.

I feel fat but I feel good, I'm amazing aren't I? I am aren't I? Wow. No don't say wow you idiot. Don't call me an idiot you fucking bitch.

But I'm good right? I am amazing aren't I? :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Feel good.

Listening to new music on Spotify, currently listening to SebastiAn (French electro). And I went out with mum to get her TV fixed. So yeah, cooolio!

Fuck it, I'm eating porridge.

So I forgot to mention the other day...

when I saw my CC, I was quite distressed. And anyway, while she was talking to me I heard a door slam outside almost like someone was angry, and I suddenly thought 'They're angry at me'.

Now, I know that is impossible - how could someone slam the door because of me when I've been in the same room with someone else for the past half an hour? But I felt so guilty and ashamed almost, that I had caused that door to be slammed like that. Mad, right?

I still feel hungry.

Why is that? I've eaten today already and yet...I wanna eat more. Greedy cow.

Ugh here we go again, I swear this negative part of me is becoming louder and is so harsh.

Bitch. I want you to fuck off.

I don't understand what it is. Is it me? Is it someone else? I think it's me, but in a split sense. I won't say split personality because I don't believe that is me, but it's certainly and definitely something.

And I weighed myself today at those scales you find in chemists - 14st 4lbs / 90.7kg. When I was in hospital in Luton this year I was 77kg. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

I'm angry and fine at the same time.

My mood is brighter. Perhaps a 5.5. I'm on a mental health forum trying to help people and I feel kinda happy. Happy that I'm at least trying to give support But angry at the same time. Angry that life is throwing shit at everyone, and angry that for once I feel positive about myself and what I'm doing, and yet I can't hold onto this feeling when I need it most.

I am a good person, surely? I can see the best in people. I am willing to help when someone is broken and needs that bit of hope. So why can I not be that strong person when I'm feeling down and depressed? Why do I criticise myself and put myself down when I feel I don't deserve it?

I am a good person. Good. I have to believe it.

I feel a bit better.

Bit more positive.

I'm broken.

No-one understands, do they?

Not really.

I don't feel worth it.

I got an email today from the lecturer I spoke to yesterday saying I'm worth it. I don't believe so. I don't know. Even when I saw my CC this afternoon she said at the end that I was worth it.

Why can't I believe that?

I just want

someone to tell me what's wrong with me and to explain why. Maybe the why can never be explained and the what can only be guessed at. But give me something so I can begin to understand.

I am aware

that people can and do care for each other. But what I can't work out is if people care for me or are just doing what is morally right by keeping me alive and making me suffer.

Do people care? I hope so but I can't be sure. Why?

Why do I find it so hard to trust people to help me if I need it? Why don't I ever ask for help? Why?

Oh it's streaming down your face, you poor girl.

Am I nice? I don't know.

Take it this way - I am willing to help someone out of love. Compassion. Sympathy. Empathy. So I guess I am nice. But I can't bring myself to believe it.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

You gentle flower. Poor you. But really? Get a grip. Stupid bitch.

Oh my gosh you're so self-critical. Are you the most messed up person in the world? Not crazy enough to kill, but crazy enough to be weird? Be abnormal. I just want to be normal. Please. Please. Make it stop, oh my make it stop.

Make it stop. Oh the tears, the tears. Get a tissue you poor love.

Thank you. Be nice to me please. Don't breakdown, don't ever do that. You're a good person and I love you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Erase the mind and you will be fine.

Erase the mind and you will be fine.

You love me, thank you. Do you love me as a person?

Yes. No doubt.

Oh my! Thank you. Tears streaming down your face, you poor girl. How do you cope?

I don't. Fuck this eternal haywire. Streaming down your face, you poor girl. Aargh, you complete weirdo. But I love you. Right.

Don't make it sound superficial. Don't say it because you have to. Don't say it because you want to. Say it because you mean it.

Oh my. Please mean it. I beg. Do people have to beg for love? I hope not. How sad.

You're sad. And not in a derogatory sense (well done, you spelt that correctly on your first try. You're good at something. Yes!). You're crying and tearful and disturbed. Yes?

you're broken

You will never be alright, never be okay. You will forever live in downtrodden dismay and despair. You know it will happen. I'm sorry to say it but it's true.

Have they dried up? The tears? Good. Well done. Don't be a stupid bitch and start that all over again.

And again.

And

Again.

You're good at something.

You're good at crying and making people think "my goodness, what a worthless piece of crap she is, poor girl. Oh well."

Do people really care? Truly care? I can't decipher. I would hope so, but I just can't...take...it...any...more.

Breathe. And          relax.

Relax, two, three. Go back, correct that.

Correct it well. Correctly it right. Just correct it.

Streaming down your face it is, neverending. OH NO NEVERENDING! I feel so sorry for you, I truly do. Only I understand what it's like to feel pain.

But do you? No. I can only understand myself. Correct that, go back.

Go back, correct that.

I feel sorry for you. You could have had everything. But could you? Probably not. Oh my! You can't see through the tears. The tears OH THE TEARS


You're good at something. You're good at crying. Good at crying. Good at something.

Good at something. Good at crying.

Good at crying. Good at something.

Hey you're good at something, well done! I'm proud of you. Well done. Well done.

I. Am. Proud. Of. You.

Ever heard that? Maybe, a long time ago. Or maybe it's so foreign to you you never did recognise it when it was said. Someone shout out for help!

Dripping down your face is it? My poor girl. Go on, let it out. It's a good job you can type so fast.

So fast. You're good at something else.

And it's all lies. You're not nice. You're not kind. You're not good. You're not considerate. You're not helpful. You're crap at listening (but are you....). You're good at crying though. You're good at something Good at crying. I am so so sorry.

And so it begins

the tears again. My god you can't stop crying. You always cry. Even when you try, you try oh so hard to keep it in but then BAM it comes gushing out like a sorrowful waterfall.


I can't help it, you say, but hey I don't blame you. My god, you're having a conversation with yourself. Quick, grab the pills! Make it stop, make it better!


Will it ever be better? One would hope so. Go back, correct that.


Go back, correct everything.


My god, tears on your pillow, tears on your chest. Tears on your face and all the rest.

And yet

I like the fat you carry, so I can't hold that against you. I take that fucking thing back. But everything else, oh everything else is true.

Isn't it?

Can't deny it can you.

You can't even spell right. You had to go back and correct that last sentence.

And see look - you're such a perfectionist. Even when you rant about yourself you have to make sure every little thing is fucking PERFECT. YOU ARE NOT FUCKING PERFECT.

"Oh but there's no such thing as perfect" - well you're the least closest thing to perfect there is. Idiot.

Can't do this, can't do that.

The world is obsessed with material worth. There are people dying but then it's enevitable, isn't it.

Well fuck that, fucking bullshit piece of worthless crap you are.

"Oh but where has all this come from?" how the fuck am I supposed to know? All I know is you deserve it.

Oh, and if you're reading this back thinking "what the fuck was that all about? L-O-L" then fuck you. Actually F.U.C.K. Y.O.U.

Oh but my day was going so well - fuck you. Life isn't perfect. But then I have to ask myself, my stupid worthless self. You know what fuck this. Fuck everything.

WHERE'S THE PILLS FOR ME TO OVERDOSE FOR GOOD she says.

Where the fuck are they. *sigh* *sigh* *sigh*

I just need you to be quiet. Just for a bit please. Just be quiet. Ssh. That's it. Calm down. Take it easy. There, there.

What I would like

is for someone to shut down the negative aspect of myself. I honestly feel like I'm two almost different persons. One nice oh-so-fucking-shy person butter wouldn't fucking melt and then me. Even though that fucked up bitch is me. But the other part is poison. Fucking poison.

Btw I'm drowning here. Help would be appreciated.

Why me? Oh the whining, it returns!! WHY ME, why not you idiot. It's all your fault AND YET it actually isn't. Maybe I put this all on myself. It was my own fault I became depressed. Right?

Wrong. You can't will yourself to get depressed, stupid piece of shit. You know what annoys me the most about you? You're a fucking idiot. You can't talk to people, can't look them in the eye. "Oh but I'm so generous and considerate" considerate as fuck you are.

You're awkward, stupid, ugly, fat, idiotic, brainless, a failure and a shameful person. "What have I got to be ashamed about?" everything about you dumb fuck.

"Oh but why are you writing such hurtful things wahah" because you deserve it.

I refuse to take

any aripiprazole. It's bad enough that I'm on the 2nd highest dose of sertraline available, and now you want me to take another drug? Fuck off.

No-one has actually said I have to, though my CC did lightly touch upon it a few weeks ago.

And why do I have to build my self-confidence? It ain't never gonna happen. I will always be some pathetic idiotic girl who can't deal with anything that happens in the universe. Fucking bitch.

I face the possibility

of maybe having to go back on aripiprazole. I mean my mood is all over the place.

So today was a good day.

Had an appointment to see my previous counsellor today. I updated her on what had happened since I last saw her in May or something. I really like her; she totally understands me and where I'm coming from and she has an affable persona. Anyway she has a colleague I also know and have seen before, and apparently he spoke to one or two of my lecturers and they've said they're pleased with my clinical work and that they have no worries about that. They just want me to be able to get on with the academic side of it which they believe I'm capable of doing.

It was really nice to hear that. It wasn't a case of me thinking I was a bit shit when I'm on placement, but that...well I guess it's just confidence, really.

And as well as that, I was early for my lecture, and the lecturer saw me sitting outside the classroom about to start my knitting. She invited me in and we had quite a nice chat. She asked me how I was doing and I dunno, I just blurted out how I was trying to get back to 'normal' but was worried about things going wrong again. She also has an affable nature; very easy to talk to. She said it would take time, just like how a broken leg would take months to heal. And I guess she's right.

I'm just...I just keep on relapsing that's all. Hospital at 16, 20 and 22. Two suicide attempts. Self-harm. Depression. What else is wrong with me? Anxiety. Low self-esteem. Low confidence. Shy. Quiet. An irritant. I know this is most likely negative talking but I can't help it. I don't feel like a good enough person. I will never be good enough. Never.


And yet...I know I'm a nice person. I'm a good person. I'm considerate, conscientious. Nice, a good listener. I try to make sure people are alright before me. Sometimes that's to my disadvantage, but it's all with good intentions.

So why do I feel like this? Why do I think this way? Why do I hate myself so much?

Is it possible to come back after two suicide attempts?

I am fucking cracking here. Why the fuck am I crying? I had a good day. I was confident(ish). I was walking around listening to my MP3 player thinking it was the soundtrack to my life. I was told I was bright, that I'd make a good nurse. Capable...But I can't believe any of this shit.


I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

I'd make a good nurse.


I just want an answer. Will everything be alright? I mean think about it - Two suicide attempts by the age of 22. No coping strategies. Family history of psychosis/mental ill health.

I AM FUCKED.

Why me btw? I mean seriously, this is just taking the piss. UGH I WAS HAVING A GOOD DAY.

Feeling better.

Today's a 6 btw, on the mood scale thingy-whatever-you-want-to-call-it bullshit.

Was tempted to go to my cousin's place but I'll go tomorrow. Right now I'm just chilling drinking orange juice and listening to music.

Note to self:

Don't fucking eat nuts first thing in the morning. You will feel nauseous for ages. You dumb fuck.

I feel deflated.

Avoidant personality disorder

People with avoidant personality disorder are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others.

FML.

I'm not saying I have this personality disorder, but I wouldn't be surprised if I did. It just sounds an awful lot like me.

If depression were a person, I would've murdered them by now.

Am I getting depressed again? Cos I haven't taken any arirpiprazole for a month or something since I was told I could come off it, and my mood is just...pleurgh. Exactly that, pleurgh.

Why do I/should I feel guilty for not wanting human contact?

So my cousin says I'm welcome anytime to see him and the kids. I appreciate that. but there are times when I don't want to go out and just want to stay indoors. I know that that will just increase my anxiety, feelings of being alone and increase how depressed I am but at that very moment I don't care.

So I haven't seen them in two or three weeks. I was gonna go yesterday but didn't. I was gonna go today but didn't. And now I feel guilty. But why should I? It's like I feel I'm under obligation to go and see them. Like they're monitoring how often I see them. Am I being paranoid? I dunno.

Anyway I just like staying indoors. Is that such a horrific thing for me to desire? Being in social contact with other people tires me out.

Is it laziness? Maybe Probably. But at the same time I recognise I'm avoiding the outside. I don't like interacting with other people. I'm scared when I hear laughter that people are laughing at me for whatever reason. I get scared when people look at me, judge me.

I'm too self-critical, aren't I? My CC wants us to work on my confidence and self-esteem next time we meet. I know for a fact that my self-esteem is pretty shitty. But I can't see it changing for the better any time soon.

And you know what I've just thought about? One of the activities I'd like to do with Day Opportunities is to join the knitting group. I was told that it was over-subscribed/not running until next year or something like that, but even the thought of going there eventually makes me nervous. Being with other people, talking and pretending to give a fuck. I can't.

Fuck this motherfucking bullshit.

Feeling like shit

again. Why????? Fuck this bullshit.

I was going to go out

and see my cousins but I don't know if I can be bothered now. Life...

Tune in next time to find out if I make it out or not.

That awkward moment when you spend 5 minutes each day wondering if you're a 5 or a 6.

I've joined MoodPanda.

Mood Diary

So today was a kind of sucky day. I felt tearful and avoided eye contact. Today I went to see my therapist then afterwards my CC, so it was a kind of draining day. Anyway my CC suggested keeping a mood diary, considering that last week I was 'fine' and this week I'm feeling like shit again.

I've contemplated keeping a mood diary before, but the ones I kept finding on the net didn't always appeal to me/looked complicated/looked too simple etc etc. I tried making one myself but I didn't stick to that either. I've found one that looks good so hopefully that will give everyone (including myself) some insight into what's going on.

I bought a pair of 9mm knitting needles and two yarns of yellow wool today. 6 quid. No idea why, just spur of the moment shit. But I hate spending money like there's no tomorrow. Maybe I should just hand over my cash and card to my mother, let her be my...thingy (can't think of the word).

Anyway I prefer knitting with this kind of yarn to be honest. Whatever, whatever.