It irks me when people say

..."lolz, I've got OCD" when they seriously haven't.

So okay, I sometimes make light of my 'OCD' (some say I have it, others say I haven't) but I feel entitled to because I legitimately have it. But people who say they do when it's something that practically everyone does/doesn't cause constant thoughts and destructive behaviours such as "ololololol I have to change my socks once a day, text it <33 ~~" are just idiots. Just:

 

Fuck it, I'm going to make it.

I. Am. Going. To. Succeed.

Listening to "As Above, So Below (Justice remix)" by the Klaxons

...and I feel positive. I was worrying about going back to uni and how everyone seems to have already graduated and/or moved on with their lives while I'm stuck in a rut, but wait a minute. Even though it will take an additional two years for me to eventually pass this course than the standard 3 years, why should I feel sad? It just means I'm getting more education, thus I'll hopefully be a better nurse.

I filled in an Advance Directive

(it kinda looks like this)

It was alright. Just asked me what kinda treatment I wanted/didn't want and so on. And I photocopied myself a copy on orange paper. Just to jazz it up a little.

In other news, I'm due back at university next week. Kind of excited. But at the same time I feel as though I'm not quite ready. As if...I'm hesitant. I'm not going to be going back to classes full on as I've already (thankfully) passed two modules. But I'm still...I dunno, I really can't express it into words.

Maybe it's just nerves and laziness because I'm so used to being at home, doing nothing strenuous. Who knows.

The grass is always greener

It's Sunday night and I have no last-minute homework to get going with. No packing my bag for the next morning. No sorting out what I'm going to wear. It feels so weird.

Not that I miss having homework, goodness no. But the feeling of having something to do, something to look forward to, that what I'm missing.

Hopefully that will be sorted out by the end of the month. I'm due to restart university from the 26th of this month. It's my last chance. As I'm doing nursing, I have to abide by NMC standards. And they state an individual has to finish their nursing course within 5 years of starting it. I started in 2007, so I have to finish by this time next year. I hope I can make it.

I'm just getting paranoid and anxious that something will happen that will prevent my from finishing. Like I'll be involved in a car accident, or I'll somehow be disabled or something desperately tragic will happen in my life between now and next year. I'm certainly over-thinking things; my pessimism has decided to join my anxious mind.

I got a week's supply of meds from EIS. Anyway...

---

I just watched a programme called 'I Used To Be Fat' and the girl (Daria) moved schools. She was popular, used to dance etc then when she moved she used food as a comforter. Anyway they showed a clip of her approaching two girls and starting a conversation with them and then asking if they wanted to go for a coffee. This made me feel both insanely jealous and envious.

I wish I had the confidence to do such a thing. Life is short, but to forgo one's anxieties and negative self-fulfilling prophecies is hard. I'd love to go to uni and easily make friends with my fellow colleagues and just do something as seemingly innocuous as going for a drink.

A girl can dream.

Facing nearly a week without medication

So this is fun.

The whole GP/meds thing wasn't sorted yesterday. My mum went to the GP on my behalf and they just prescribed the 5mg of abilify saying that's the most important medication. Not to me it's not. The most important medication for me is the sertraline. I'm not taking anything unless I get my 150mg sertraline.

I'm seeing my CC on Tuesday so hopefully...hopefully things will get sorted out.

---

It's a busy week next week - seeing my CC on Tuesday, going to uni on Wednesday to see if and when I can resume my studies (it feels weird that I want to go back when I was quite prepared to fucking die a few months ago). Then on Thursday I have a long assessment meeting. Fun.

So...I'm being fucked about.

Someone from HTT and/or EIS conveniently forgot to pass on my medication details to my GP. So of course when it came to me filling in my repeat prescription, the doctor looked at my notes and wondered wtf I was going on about. They've only got the details of me being on 5mg of arirpiprazole.

Now, I handed in my RPx leaving enough tablets for about 3 days before it would run out. But the GP is still trying to get it organised by contacting EIS to ask what meds I should be on. My meds ran out today!

So I'm hoping it'll get sorted tomorrow. I don't really fancy having yet another relapse. C'mon now.

If I'm not allowed back into uni to finish my remaining 6 months and/or I'm unable to even finish it anyway...

I guess I don't mind being crazy as long as it doesn't interfere with my day to day activities of trying to live a fucking life.

BTW, I've applied for DLA (disability living allowance). This is the last thing I want to do, but considering I don't get paid while off sick at uni, and I'm not entitled to Jobseekers allowance or even employment and support allowance, this is my last chance of getting SOME SORT OF HELP from the state.


I'm not hyper, I promise.

I now have a care co-ordinator from.... drum roll please...

Early Intervention in Psychosis! This is due to the family history of psychosis, hallucinations etc etc.

So yeah. No big deal. Having said that, I'm feeling good today. I feel like I'm ready to go back to university when I'm able to.

So...I'm supposed to be fine with the weight gain of my meds while it keeps me 'sane'.

Yeah that's fine. Not.

effects of zopiclone

Once you start feeling the metallic aftertaste in the back of your throat having taken zopiclone, then the drowsyness kicks in.

Possibly followed by messy co-ordination, especially if you're typing an you eyes are going hazy.

Maybe there'll be a phase of amnesia.

Then sleep.

EIP/CMHT/HTT and now PACT *cough*bullshit*cough*

Today I had a joint assessment with Early Intervention in Psychosis (EIP) and CMHT to see where my care co-ordinator will be allocated from. HTT (Home Treatment Team) seem to think I should go to EIP because I've had 'pre-domal psychotic symptoms' such as giggling while talking about my overdose (yeah that was a bit weird; I can barely remember doing that), withdrawing, avoiding eye contact, going mute etc etc. But EIP (and myself) think I should go to CMHT as they think my symptoms are more affective and to do with mood disorders rather than anything psychotic.

To be honest I'm not bothered either way. As long as I get the support I need, then I don't care. Having said that, I don't believe I've experienced any psychotic episodes/symptoms etc. It all comes down to the individual who's assessing me and what my presentation is like on the day, but I think I'm more of a neurotic than a psychotic individual.

In other news, my Home Treatment Team have now been rebranded as Psychiatric Acute Community Team also known as PACT. The most ridiculous name I've ever heard. So pretentious it hurts. And they're now 9-5, so if someone is in a crisis they'll have to go to A&E. Whoopee!

I may be getting obsessed with Harry Potter.

The sorting hat says that I belong in Hufflepuff!

Said Hufflepuff, "I'll teach the lot, and treat them just the same."

Hufflepuff students are friendly, fair-minded, modest, and hard-working. A well-known member was Cedric Diggory, who represented Hogwarts in the most recent Triwizard Tournament.

Take the most scientific Harry Potter
Quiz ever created.
Get Sorted Now!