I refuse to take

any aripiprazole. It's bad enough that I'm on the 2nd highest dose of sertraline available, and now you want me to take another drug? Fuck off.

No-one has actually said I have to, though my CC did lightly touch upon it a few weeks ago.

And why do I have to build my self-confidence? It ain't never gonna happen. I will always be some pathetic idiotic girl who can't deal with anything that happens in the universe. Fucking bitch.

I face the possibility

of maybe having to go back on aripiprazole. I mean my mood is all over the place.

So today was a good day.

Had an appointment to see my previous counsellor today. I updated her on what had happened since I last saw her in May or something. I really like her; she totally understands me and where I'm coming from and she has an affable persona. Anyway she has a colleague I also know and have seen before, and apparently he spoke to one or two of my lecturers and they've said they're pleased with my clinical work and that they have no worries about that. They just want me to be able to get on with the academic side of it which they believe I'm capable of doing.

It was really nice to hear that. It wasn't a case of me thinking I was a bit shit when I'm on placement, but that...well I guess it's just confidence, really.

And as well as that, I was early for my lecture, and the lecturer saw me sitting outside the classroom about to start my knitting. She invited me in and we had quite a nice chat. She asked me how I was doing and I dunno, I just blurted out how I was trying to get back to 'normal' but was worried about things going wrong again. She also has an affable nature; very easy to talk to. She said it would take time, just like how a broken leg would take months to heal. And I guess she's right.

I'm just...I just keep on relapsing that's all. Hospital at 16, 20 and 22. Two suicide attempts. Self-harm. Depression. What else is wrong with me? Anxiety. Low self-esteem. Low confidence. Shy. Quiet. An irritant. I know this is most likely negative talking but I can't help it. I don't feel like a good enough person. I will never be good enough. Never.


And yet...I know I'm a nice person. I'm a good person. I'm considerate, conscientious. Nice, a good listener. I try to make sure people are alright before me. Sometimes that's to my disadvantage, but it's all with good intentions.

So why do I feel like this? Why do I think this way? Why do I hate myself so much?

Is it possible to come back after two suicide attempts?

I am fucking cracking here. Why the fuck am I crying? I had a good day. I was confident(ish). I was walking around listening to my MP3 player thinking it was the soundtrack to my life. I was told I was bright, that I'd make a good nurse. Capable...But I can't believe any of this shit.


I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

I'd make a good nurse.


I just want an answer. Will everything be alright? I mean think about it - Two suicide attempts by the age of 22. No coping strategies. Family history of psychosis/mental ill health.

I AM FUCKED.

Why me btw? I mean seriously, this is just taking the piss. UGH I WAS HAVING A GOOD DAY.

Feeling better.

Today's a 6 btw, on the mood scale thingy-whatever-you-want-to-call-it bullshit.

Was tempted to go to my cousin's place but I'll go tomorrow. Right now I'm just chilling drinking orange juice and listening to music.

Note to self:

Don't fucking eat nuts first thing in the morning. You will feel nauseous for ages. You dumb fuck.

I feel deflated.

Avoidant personality disorder

People with avoidant personality disorder are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others.

FML.

I'm not saying I have this personality disorder, but I wouldn't be surprised if I did. It just sounds an awful lot like me.

If depression were a person, I would've murdered them by now.

Am I getting depressed again? Cos I haven't taken any arirpiprazole for a month or something since I was told I could come off it, and my mood is just...pleurgh. Exactly that, pleurgh.

Why do I/should I feel guilty for not wanting human contact?

So my cousin says I'm welcome anytime to see him and the kids. I appreciate that. but there are times when I don't want to go out and just want to stay indoors. I know that that will just increase my anxiety, feelings of being alone and increase how depressed I am but at that very moment I don't care.

So I haven't seen them in two or three weeks. I was gonna go yesterday but didn't. I was gonna go today but didn't. And now I feel guilty. But why should I? It's like I feel I'm under obligation to go and see them. Like they're monitoring how often I see them. Am I being paranoid? I dunno.

Anyway I just like staying indoors. Is that such a horrific thing for me to desire? Being in social contact with other people tires me out.

Is it laziness? Maybe Probably. But at the same time I recognise I'm avoiding the outside. I don't like interacting with other people. I'm scared when I hear laughter that people are laughing at me for whatever reason. I get scared when people look at me, judge me.

I'm too self-critical, aren't I? My CC wants us to work on my confidence and self-esteem next time we meet. I know for a fact that my self-esteem is pretty shitty. But I can't see it changing for the better any time soon.

And you know what I've just thought about? One of the activities I'd like to do with Day Opportunities is to join the knitting group. I was told that it was over-subscribed/not running until next year or something like that, but even the thought of going there eventually makes me nervous. Being with other people, talking and pretending to give a fuck. I can't.

Fuck this motherfucking bullshit.

Feeling like shit

again. Why????? Fuck this bullshit.

I was going to go out

and see my cousins but I don't know if I can be bothered now. Life...

Tune in next time to find out if I make it out or not.

That awkward moment when you spend 5 minutes each day wondering if you're a 5 or a 6.

I've joined MoodPanda.

Mood Diary

So today was a kind of sucky day. I felt tearful and avoided eye contact. Today I went to see my therapist then afterwards my CC, so it was a kind of draining day. Anyway my CC suggested keeping a mood diary, considering that last week I was 'fine' and this week I'm feeling like shit again.

I've contemplated keeping a mood diary before, but the ones I kept finding on the net didn't always appeal to me/looked complicated/looked too simple etc etc. I tried making one myself but I didn't stick to that either. I've found one that looks good so hopefully that will give everyone (including myself) some insight into what's going on.

I bought a pair of 9mm knitting needles and two yarns of yellow wool today. 6 quid. No idea why, just spur of the moment shit. But I hate spending money like there's no tomorrow. Maybe I should just hand over my cash and card to my mother, let her be my...thingy (can't think of the word).

Anyway I prefer knitting with this kind of yarn to be honest. Whatever, whatever.