Eating.

I think the increase in sertraline is kicking in because my appetite has gone through the roof. I can’t stop wanting to eat, even when I know I’ve eaten enough. This is crazy. I know I can exercise but it’s hard to exercise (I want to skip) when you live in a first floor flat. And I’d feel uncomfortable skipping at crisis house with the potential for other residents seeing me.

What the fuck am I meant to do? Either I keep taking the meds and have positive mental health or reduce them/stop taking them/take a different anti-depressant and risk feeling like shit again.

Oooh mental illness, you are a c*nt.

So apparently I don't even have OCD. Whatever.

Still can't sleep btw

I am not schizoaffective.

Can I just say I disagree with my diagnosis. The doctor is coming in about 6 hours, and I want to ask her exactly what makes her think I have schizoaffective disorder. I haven't had any psychotic....oh wait I have.

Seriously, I just remembered on the day I got sectioned and restrained last year I had a delusionary thought that my mum and the staff (one staff in particular) were up to something. My mum had come to visit me as usual and she did something she never usually did. She told me to take care of myself. And a staff member was there and said "We'll look after" and smiled. He later had to restrain me with about 1 or 2 other male members of staff.

Being restrained is not fun. I didn't get the opportunity to be debriefed over what happened, which created some resentment initally. I still feel angry towards having been tranquillised, as I was calm until the manager told me off for sitting on the desk/barrier near the nurse's office. At least I took the haloperidol orally and didn't have to suffer the humilation of being given an IM in my arse in front of everyone.

But I digress. That was only one episode. So does that make this diagnosis valid? Cos I don't have any psychotic/delusionary features when I'm well. I know it may not seem important to most people, but I want to know who I am. Having a label atually helps sometimes. It gives me a sense of knowing what's wrong with me, why I may act in a particular way and so on.

Am I in denial? No. I refute the fact that I have a 'psychosis-based' diagnosis.

Mad girl

Just leaving this here...

I slept at 10pm by accident. I woke up 2 hours later still in my jeans and top. I was gonna take zopiclone but I guess my body had other ideas. And now it's too late to take it.

It's 2:09am and I'm just surfing the net, nothing to do...la la la.

2 overdoses and a weekend away in Malta

The above statement/title is not entirely true. I have had two suicide attempts but have never been to Malta.

So my modus operandi seems to be paracetamol. As a teenager I took about 9 or 10 tablets. I was intending to take more, but I'd crushed them for some reason.

At the age of 22, a mere few months ago, I took another overdose. A big one. Approximately 40 tablets/20mg of paracetamol with some ibuprofen & asprin, requiring an IV drip of n-acetylcysteine and some projectile vomiting. Both overdoses were with the intent to die.

There's a checklist or something on suicide intent. This isn't the one I was thinking of, but it'll do:

I ticked all the boxes on both occassions. So yeah.

Dreams bordering on nightmares are not nice.

Happy pills

A sexy line-up of pills, featuring from l-r: 100mg sertraline, 10mg arirpiprazole and 50mg sertraline.

Cakey

Made Lemon Drizzle cake at Crisis House today. Thought it was gonna end up shit because it started to overflow in the tin and drip down into the oven, but it looks okay. Can't taste it though, it's got eggs, and I dislike 'em.

Started thinking negatively when that happened as well. I tried to counteract these thoughts; I almost wanted to bang my head against the wall. I'm too much of a perfectionist.

Erm wut? Sertraline also causes insomnia. I’ve had 50mg before with no problem, so I still think it’s Ablify causing the sleep problems. But I am on 150mg now and was on 75mg and 100mg a few weeks before.

Also in rare causes sertraline can cause heart attacks. Ay carumba!

Took the z-drug during my weekend leave cos HTT came to deliver it, but they haven’t delivered any more. I know I asked for it to be PRN, but c’mon...ugh, I hate arirpiprazole. You bastard.

PS: 3.75mg doesn’t seem to be very effective for some reason. Meh.

Well hello there, 5AM time.

Zopiclone and being drunk

Last night I took 3.75mg of zopiclone. In the past I've had it at this dose and it worked, but last night it didn't totally work. I mean yeah, I was able to sleep through most of the night, but I still woke up early. I took another dose tonight about half an hour ago. I feel drowsy but still slightly alert.

It'd be nice to feel refreshed in the morning. *yawn* Here. We. Go.

PS: I haven't consumed any alcohol, it's just that zopiclone makes me feel as though I have.

One good thing about being a student nurse and having MH issues is the fact that I read up on things that happen or might happen to me (in terms of psychiatry) and it broadens my knowledge of the mind.

Huh, I guess there is a positive to being so depressed when you want to die in an instant.