Oh heyyy look, an artistic impression of my mood right now.

Actually I'm not okay.

I dunno. I don't know what my mood is like or even how to describe it. I just feel...bleugh. I feel better than I did two weeks ago, but worse than a few days ago.

It's like I'm worrying or something, but not quite. It's just me being anxious for no reason I suppose, but it's annoying. Everything is annoying. Why can't I just be normal? Be happy? Be...something other than this?

My CC put in a referral to day opportunities service to get me doing some activities. Part of me (my mind) wants to do it because it gets boring and frustrating staying indoors all the time doing nothing worthwhile, but the other part of me (my body or whatever) wants to stay indoors, in bed, by myself. I haven't got the energy to interact with other people.

This is just nerves right? Being nervous about new experiences. I'll be fine, right?

Or maybe it's just because I'm recovering from a cold so I'm bound to feel shit?

I DON'T KNOW.

Who the fuck am I? Is it normal to go through patches of normalcy, then tears, then happiness and all the way back again? I wish someone could just tell me what is wrong with me. Being told I had schizoaffctive disorder was fine with me - I had a diagnosis. A purpose, almost. I knew what was wrong and could find out the different ways I could possibly act. But now that EIS aren't agreeing with HTT's diagnosis and are not sure...I just want to know who I am.

I mean is it just me? Am I overreacting, making a big deal over nothing? Am I...Am I just...I'm sick of saying this, thinking this but I. Just. Do. Not. Know.

I need a hug and maybe some cider.

So yay, the clocks went back yesterday (or today...whatever) so I got an extra hour in bed. But of course here comes the downside - darker days ahead. I hate autumn/winter. So miserable, cold, rainy, snowy, dark, depressing. And also I keep having ups and downs. Downs that I don't want to actualise (is that a word?) by writing it down, ups in just my general mood. I dunno.

I'm okay anyway.

Today my mood is:

Making phone calls

is something I really hate doing. If it's to people I know very well, then it's something within the realms of possibility. But any other time - no way.

My CC wants me to call some people to find out more about joining particular groups. I've got some phone numbers, but to call...no, I just can't see myself doing it. :(

But she's gonna question why I can't make a 'simple' phone call. I just get anxious. I don't know what the other person is going to say on the phone and I can't see their reaction. Sometimes I actually can make a random phone call, but that's when there is a necessity to do so because not doing so will make something happen that will make me feel worse.

Fucking phones.

As an update...

My sleep is now fine. I've got 6 tablets left of zopiclone, but I haven't taken it for almost a month. My appetite could be better. I'm eating unhealthy food and not exercising at all, which is something I want to change. Urm...oh on Thursday my CC said I could stop taking arirpiprazole now and just continue on the sertraline. Got no side effects.

So yeah, just getting on with things as best as I can.

yesterday I felt as though I had to act 'crazy' to get something I'm entitled to.

My CC suggested I'd be eligible for a Freedom Pass, and she gave me a form she'd filled out on my behalf with info from the psychiatric doctor of the EIS team. All I had to do was go to my local service station/centre, fill in another form, show proof of ID then get a letter and go to the Post Office.

When I went to the service station, the guy asked me who the application was for and I said for me. Now please note, freedom passes are for those aged 60 or over or disabled persons. Freedom passes can also be given to those with psychiatric conditions who would not be allowed to hold a valid driving license if they applied for one. But usually when someone thinks of a Freedom pass they think of a visible disability. I have no physical disability so the guy kinda looked surprised, but he managed to hide it well.

Anyway I get the feeling he and the other lady at the service desk were thinking why I was applying for one/thinking 'she shouldn't be entitled'. Except I am. And I had one when I was 16 which was incredibly useful for me.

Having a freedom pass means less stress and worry on money and less chance of missing out on opportunities just because I'm skint. I just felt though that yesterday those that dealt with me thought I was breaking the law or some shit.

Anyway I got the letter and should receive the pass in the next few days. I want my mum to get one though because she is more entitled to it than I am, I believe. Her condition is more 'serious' and enduring. And I do wonder if the DVLA would let her get a driving license.

Everything went better than expected.

I enjoyed myself, managed to talk to people and get on with them quite well. This cohort seems quite lovely. :) Bring on tomorrow.

I'm nervous.

I'm actually annoyed that I have to do my third year again.

Because everyone will be excited and going 'omg third years now'


while I'll just be sitting there like:



Tru facts.

But no, I'm lucky I've been given the opportunity to finish my course. :) Just a shame it's my last chance :O

Personality test

you are a thinker

Your cautiousness, appreciation of functionality, and imagination combine to make you a THINKER.

You have a vivid capacity for imagery that allows you to see beyond your present circumstances.

You like to be sure of yourself before voicing your opinion.

A lot of your time is spent at home, or with the people you care about.

Although you may dream often, you're very aware of how things work, and you value things that work well.

You take comfort in the familiar, and value predictability—and others value those things in you.

Accordingly, you prefer a set routine, and although you often imagine how things can be different, you're hesitant to take risks to change things.

Sometimes you doubt whether you have the ability to face certain challenges, but your practical focus helps you solve most problems.

Because of this, you tend to be more reactive than proactive, thinking thoroughly about the challenges that you face.

You have a broad-based, theoretical understanding of the world that allows you to understand its workings.

You're not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options.

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

You much prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute. Your decisions are well thought out, and you're not the least bit impulsive.

you are considerate

You trust others, care about them, and are slow to judge them, making you CONSIDERATE.

You value your close relationships very much, and are more likely to spend time in small, tightly-knit groups of friends than in large crowds.

You enjoy exploring the world through observation, quietly watching others.

Relating to others so well, and understanding their emotions, leads you to trust people in general, even though you're somewhat shy and reserved at times.

Your belief that people are generally well-intentioned contributes to your sympathy regarding their problems.

Although you may not vocalize it often, you have an awareness of how society affects individuals, and you understand complex causes of people's behavior.

You like to look at all sides of a situation before making a judgment, particularly when that situation involves important things in other people's lives.

Your close friends know you as a good listener.

http://www.personaldna.com/

I need to exercise and lose all this weight I've put on.

But can I be bothered? Nah.

It irks me when people say

..."lolz, I've got OCD" when they seriously haven't.

So okay, I sometimes make light of my 'OCD' (some say I have it, others say I haven't) but I feel entitled to because I legitimately have it. But people who say they do when it's something that practically everyone does/doesn't cause constant thoughts and destructive behaviours such as "ololololol I have to change my socks once a day, text it <33 ~~" are just idiots. Just:

 

Fuck it, I'm going to make it.

I. Am. Going. To. Succeed.

Listening to "As Above, So Below (Justice remix)" by the Klaxons

...and I feel positive. I was worrying about going back to uni and how everyone seems to have already graduated and/or moved on with their lives while I'm stuck in a rut, but wait a minute. Even though it will take an additional two years for me to eventually pass this course than the standard 3 years, why should I feel sad? It just means I'm getting more education, thus I'll hopefully be a better nurse.