If you're gonna delete a post of mine on a forum

At least fucking PM me about it. Fuck you.

I understand why it was deleted (it wasn't offensive but anyway) but instead of sneakily deleting it and hoping no-one would mention it again, PM me yeah? What, you think I wouldn't fucking notice? Fuck off. Dick.

That awkward moment

when you only get 2 and a half hours sleep and you wake up accidentally by scratching your head.

So I can't sleep.

And I dunno, it might have something to do with the fact that I spent at least 12 hours sleeping this morning. Like...I didn't really properly wake up until 3pm. And that was only because I had a Sainsbury's delivery due between 3-4pm.

I dunno why I've been so tired for the past few days. And I feel so ashamed - I haven't touched my dissertation in days. Not since Monday or Tuesday I think. I'm such a lazy cow.

So yeah, I can't sleep. And I don't want to take any zopiclone. I still have about 6 tabs left but I want to save it in case I really need it. And I've run out of GB from my 3 internet til tomorrow (Monday). So I can't even pass the time online. I just want some company I think. I feel a bit alone. Even when mum came in to say goodnight I was like 'ahh, keep me company!' in a half-joking way.

Oh just seen, it's 20/11/2011. 20/11 if that makes sense.

I dunno why my mood is down. I dunno why I feel....sad. I certainly feel fat, really want to lose the weight I've put on.

Ah I dunno. I keep saying that. Maybe I just need to sleep. Let's see how I feel later.

Fuck.

I went out and felt anxious. Felt that people were looking at me. I was even waiting at a crossing for cars to go past, and caught someone looking straight at me. That just kinda confirms my fears, doesn't it?

I try and rationalise my thoughts and say 'oh maybe it's just people admiring your hairstyle (got black & blue plaits)' or 'people are just glancing like you usually do when you're out and about'. But...it feels more than that. People. Are. Watching.

When I was in Crisis House a few months ago, there was a period where I thought if I was thinking too much, then people would be able to hear what I was thinking. Sometimes I still think that but....ugh.

And why has my mood come down? Last weekend I was feeling happy, then at the start of this week I was even happier...But it's not true happiness. I know it's not, it doesn't feel real.

Maybe I have got schizoaffective disorder. I wouldn't be surprised. I dunno wtf is going on. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!

Oh hey...

I feel like shit and my internet is nearly finished. Won't get it topped up til Monday or something. *sigh* I feel sleepy, I don't know why, I went to bed at the same time I usually do. And I'm worrying again over nothing I can think of. I'm so tired I can't even be bothered to go out. I told myself I'd go to my cousin's place today but I just can't be bothered. And I need to go out and buy food, well I've just completed an online order for Sainsbury's tomorrow. I just want to stay iiiiiiiiiin.

I'm so tired I haven't even taken my medication yet. I might just skip it, now that it's nearly 3 in the afternoon.

It was a 5

Now it's a 6. What's that you say? It's my mood! My mood was a bit down for most of today, staying under the covers, just wasting time playing computer games, nothing of real value. But yesterday I offered to cook for mum and do some stew and fried chicken. She said okay, and after around 3:45pm I started preparing and cooking it. I was listening to my music on the mp3 player, singing out loud. Then afterwards I made some apple & porridge and I have to say my mood improved. I felt happy that I was doing something nice and helpful for mum. And when she came home she said the house smelt nice, and that made me smile. :)

My mood is dwindling.

I don't know why. I've got that feeling again that I get from time to time when I feel worried and anxious about something and get that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.

My foot

is itchy as fuck. Been scratching it for the last 5-10 minutes now. Fuckity fuck.

Anyway therapy is going well. Pete* suggested that the negative thinking might be me wanting to maintain a victim role or something. We agreed that I should try and develop the 3rd aspect of my self - i.e. the part that is able to reflect and contradict the negative part. He used a specific word (beginning with 'C' I think) but I've forgotten it...

Also he got a call from my counsellor at uni - apparently she thinks I'm 'talented'. I told him that I find it hard to take on and believe when people say positive things about me. It's like by being negative I avoid disappointing myself and others, so it's almost like a comfort to be negative. It feels safe. Whereas if I'm positive, then there's always the possibility of being 'bought back down to earth' and being hurt.

I'm not a fucking idiot. Ah but it's so easy for me to say I am. No, I'm not an idiot. I am bright, conscientious and well-spoken. Where's the proof? I've gotten A's and B's in my coursework during uni, I've been told numerous times that I'm intelligent, I'm able to read almost anything and understand it, my command of English is very good, and I'm not finding this degree course too hard at all. I am intelligent.

Ah, but isn't it big-headed of people to say 'I'm intelligent'? Okay, I'm bright. I. Am. A. Bright. Person.

And also itchy as fuck, ugh.

CPA

went okay. Nothing major. Though I was giggly. Maybe more so than usual, I dunno. The doctor asked if I'm usually like that and I couldn't really answer if I was or not. I don't think I am, but who knows. My CC said she thinks it's the real me, which was cool and nice to hear.

No change in meds, and the doc said she'll review in 3 months time. Coolio.

Ah

it's bloody cold. Fuck this.

My mood

is slowly but surely coming down. Fuck.

I'm worrying about something.

What, I don't know. Ugh wtf, I was fine, now I'm worrying, stressing, no not stressing, just worrying. Anxiety~

To sleep or not to sleep?

Yeah that is a question.

So...

I finally got motivated enough to do some of my dissertation work. I spent nearly 3 hours searching online for research papers, spent some time reading about 4 or 5 papers, printed some off etc etc. I feel really happy and proud that I've done as much as I have. I've got two papers in mind that I'll critique and another two that I'll use to evaluate them and stuff. Amazing!

But while I was reading through the first paper, I suddenly thought of the email I got a few days ago from a colleague of mine asking for help with the research module. She's asked for help before and I gave it, even though it was tiring and I went out of my fucking way to help. And I literally mean out of my way.

But the thought of helping her now is just too much. I am fucking cracking here, well not really, not at the moment. But I'm lucky that I have only this module to focus on. I can't be helping someone else out, that's too much stress for me. I need to take things slow.

Ah but how to tell her gently but firmly that I can't help out. I know she'll be like 'oh but please, just help me with this one little piece I don't understand...' and before you know it I'm doing the fucking work for her.

Yes third year is tough. Yes this research piece counts for a high majority of our classification. Yes it's stressful. But shit girl, I got my own problems to deal with. Go to your supervisor, ask other people in the class for help. But don't bother me please, especially if you knew all the shit I've been through this year.

My feet are cold.

And I've put on so much weight, it's ridiculous.

Also why is my mood up and down, wtf is that about?

Meh, gonna play a bit of Tetris and then hopefully hopefully do some of my dissertation. Woo!