I'm broken.

I don't feel worth it.

I got an email today from the lecturer I spoke to yesterday saying I'm worth it. I don't believe so. I don't know. Even when I saw my CC this afternoon she said at the end that I was worth it.

Why can't I believe that?

You're good at something.

You're good at crying and making people think "my goodness, what a worthless piece of crap she is, poor girl. Oh well."

Do people really care? Truly care? I can't decipher. I would hope so, but I just can't...take...it...any...more.

Breathe. And          relax.

Relax, two, three. Go back, correct that.

Correct it well. Correctly it right. Just correct it.

Streaming down your face it is, neverending. OH NO NEVERENDING! I feel so sorry for you, I truly do. Only I understand what it's like to feel pain.

But do you? No. I can only understand myself. Correct that, go back.

Go back, correct that.

I feel sorry for you. You could have had everything. But could you? Probably not. Oh my! You can't see through the tears. The tears OH THE TEARS


You're good at something. You're good at crying. Good at crying. Good at something.

Good at something. Good at crying.

Good at crying. Good at something.

Hey you're good at something, well done! I'm proud of you. Well done. Well done.

I. Am. Proud. Of. You.

Ever heard that? Maybe, a long time ago. Or maybe it's so foreign to you you never did recognise it when it was said. Someone shout out for help!

Dripping down your face is it? My poor girl. Go on, let it out. It's a good job you can type so fast.

So fast. You're good at something else.

And it's all lies. You're not nice. You're not kind. You're not good. You're not considerate. You're not helpful. You're crap at listening (but are you....). You're good at crying though. You're good at something Good at crying. I am so so sorry.

And so it begins

the tears again. My god you can't stop crying. You always cry. Even when you try, you try oh so hard to keep it in but then BAM it comes gushing out like a sorrowful waterfall.


I can't help it, you say, but hey I don't blame you. My god, you're having a conversation with yourself. Quick, grab the pills! Make it stop, make it better!


Will it ever be better? One would hope so. Go back, correct that.


Go back, correct everything.


My god, tears on your pillow, tears on your chest. Tears on your face and all the rest.

I face the possibility

of maybe having to go back on aripiprazole. I mean my mood is all over the place.

So today was a good day.

Had an appointment to see my previous counsellor today. I updated her on what had happened since I last saw her in May or something. I really like her; she totally understands me and where I'm coming from and she has an affable persona. Anyway she has a colleague I also know and have seen before, and apparently he spoke to one or two of my lecturers and they've said they're pleased with my clinical work and that they have no worries about that. They just want me to be able to get on with the academic side of it which they believe I'm capable of doing.

It was really nice to hear that. It wasn't a case of me thinking I was a bit shit when I'm on placement, but that...well I guess it's just confidence, really.

And as well as that, I was early for my lecture, and the lecturer saw me sitting outside the classroom about to start my knitting. She invited me in and we had quite a nice chat. She asked me how I was doing and I dunno, I just blurted out how I was trying to get back to 'normal' but was worried about things going wrong again. She also has an affable nature; very easy to talk to. She said it would take time, just like how a broken leg would take months to heal. And I guess she's right.

I'm just...I just keep on relapsing that's all. Hospital at 16, 20 and 22. Two suicide attempts. Self-harm. Depression. What else is wrong with me? Anxiety. Low self-esteem. Low confidence. Shy. Quiet. An irritant. I know this is most likely negative talking but I can't help it. I don't feel like a good enough person. I will never be good enough. Never.


And yet...I know I'm a nice person. I'm a good person. I'm considerate, conscientious. Nice, a good listener. I try to make sure people are alright before me. Sometimes that's to my disadvantage, but it's all with good intentions.

So why do I feel like this? Why do I think this way? Why do I hate myself so much?

Is it possible to come back after two suicide attempts?

I am fucking cracking here. Why the fuck am I crying? I had a good day. I was confident(ish). I was walking around listening to my MP3 player thinking it was the soundtrack to my life. I was told I was bright, that I'd make a good nurse. Capable...But I can't believe any of this shit.


I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

I'd make a good nurse.


I just want an answer. Will everything be alright? I mean think about it - Two suicide attempts by the age of 22. No coping strategies. Family history of psychosis/mental ill health.

I AM FUCKED.

Why me btw? I mean seriously, this is just taking the piss. UGH I WAS HAVING A GOOD DAY.

I feel deflated.

Why do I/should I feel guilty for not wanting human contact?

So my cousin says I'm welcome anytime to see him and the kids. I appreciate that. but there are times when I don't want to go out and just want to stay indoors. I know that that will just increase my anxiety, feelings of being alone and increase how depressed I am but at that very moment I don't care.

So I haven't seen them in two or three weeks. I was gonna go yesterday but didn't. I was gonna go today but didn't. And now I feel guilty. But why should I? It's like I feel I'm under obligation to go and see them. Like they're monitoring how often I see them. Am I being paranoid? I dunno.

Anyway I just like staying indoors. Is that such a horrific thing for me to desire? Being in social contact with other people tires me out.

Is it laziness? Maybe Probably. But at the same time I recognise I'm avoiding the outside. I don't like interacting with other people. I'm scared when I hear laughter that people are laughing at me for whatever reason. I get scared when people look at me, judge me.

I'm too self-critical, aren't I? My CC wants us to work on my confidence and self-esteem next time we meet. I know for a fact that my self-esteem is pretty shitty. But I can't see it changing for the better any time soon.

And you know what I've just thought about? One of the activities I'd like to do with Day Opportunities is to join the knitting group. I was told that it was over-subscribed/not running until next year or something like that, but even the thought of going there eventually makes me nervous. Being with other people, talking and pretending to give a fuck. I can't.

Fuck this motherfucking bullshit.

Feeling like shit

again. Why????? Fuck this bullshit.

Mood Diary

So today was a kind of sucky day. I felt tearful and avoided eye contact. Today I went to see my therapist then afterwards my CC, so it was a kind of draining day. Anyway my CC suggested keeping a mood diary, considering that last week I was 'fine' and this week I'm feeling like shit again.

I've contemplated keeping a mood diary before, but the ones I kept finding on the net didn't always appeal to me/looked complicated/looked too simple etc etc. I tried making one myself but I didn't stick to that either. I've found one that looks good so hopefully that will give everyone (including myself) some insight into what's going on.

Oh heyyy look, an artistic impression of my mood right now.

Actually I'm not okay.

I dunno. I don't know what my mood is like or even how to describe it. I just feel...bleugh. I feel better than I did two weeks ago, but worse than a few days ago.

It's like I'm worrying or something, but not quite. It's just me being anxious for no reason I suppose, but it's annoying. Everything is annoying. Why can't I just be normal? Be happy? Be...something other than this?

My CC put in a referral to day opportunities service to get me doing some activities. Part of me (my mind) wants to do it because it gets boring and frustrating staying indoors all the time doing nothing worthwhile, but the other part of me (my body or whatever) wants to stay indoors, in bed, by myself. I haven't got the energy to interact with other people.

This is just nerves right? Being nervous about new experiences. I'll be fine, right?

Or maybe it's just because I'm recovering from a cold so I'm bound to feel shit?

I DON'T KNOW.

Who the fuck am I? Is it normal to go through patches of normalcy, then tears, then happiness and all the way back again? I wish someone could just tell me what is wrong with me. Being told I had schizoaffctive disorder was fine with me - I had a diagnosis. A purpose, almost. I knew what was wrong and could find out the different ways I could possibly act. But now that EIS aren't agreeing with HTT's diagnosis and are not sure...I just want to know who I am.

I mean is it just me? Am I overreacting, making a big deal over nothing? Am I...Am I just...I'm sick of saying this, thinking this but I. Just. Do. Not. Know.

I need a hug and maybe some cider.

Today my mood is: