CPA

went okay. Nothing major. Though I was giggly. Maybe more so than usual, I dunno. The doctor asked if I'm usually like that and I couldn't really answer if I was or not. I don't think I am, but who knows. My CC said she thinks it's the real me, which was cool and nice to hear.

No change in meds, and the doc said she'll review in 3 months time. Coolio.

So I forgot to mention the other day...

when I saw my CC, I was quite distressed. And anyway, while she was talking to me I heard a door slam outside almost like someone was angry, and I suddenly thought 'They're angry at me'.

Now, I know that is impossible - how could someone slam the door because of me when I've been in the same room with someone else for the past half an hour? But I felt so guilty and ashamed almost, that I had caused that door to be slammed like that. Mad, right?

I don't feel worth it.

I got an email today from the lecturer I spoke to yesterday saying I'm worth it. I don't believe so. I don't know. Even when I saw my CC this afternoon she said at the end that I was worth it.

Why can't I believe that?

I refuse to take

any aripiprazole. It's bad enough that I'm on the 2nd highest dose of sertraline available, and now you want me to take another drug? Fuck off.

No-one has actually said I have to, though my CC did lightly touch upon it a few weeks ago.

And why do I have to build my self-confidence? It ain't never gonna happen. I will always be some pathetic idiotic girl who can't deal with anything that happens in the universe. Fucking bitch.

Why do I/should I feel guilty for not wanting human contact?

So my cousin says I'm welcome anytime to see him and the kids. I appreciate that. but there are times when I don't want to go out and just want to stay indoors. I know that that will just increase my anxiety, feelings of being alone and increase how depressed I am but at that very moment I don't care.

So I haven't seen them in two or three weeks. I was gonna go yesterday but didn't. I was gonna go today but didn't. And now I feel guilty. But why should I? It's like I feel I'm under obligation to go and see them. Like they're monitoring how often I see them. Am I being paranoid? I dunno.

Anyway I just like staying indoors. Is that such a horrific thing for me to desire? Being in social contact with other people tires me out.

Is it laziness? Maybe Probably. But at the same time I recognise I'm avoiding the outside. I don't like interacting with other people. I'm scared when I hear laughter that people are laughing at me for whatever reason. I get scared when people look at me, judge me.

I'm too self-critical, aren't I? My CC wants us to work on my confidence and self-esteem next time we meet. I know for a fact that my self-esteem is pretty shitty. But I can't see it changing for the better any time soon.

And you know what I've just thought about? One of the activities I'd like to do with Day Opportunities is to join the knitting group. I was told that it was over-subscribed/not running until next year or something like that, but even the thought of going there eventually makes me nervous. Being with other people, talking and pretending to give a fuck. I can't.

Fuck this motherfucking bullshit.

Mood Diary

So today was a kind of sucky day. I felt tearful and avoided eye contact. Today I went to see my therapist then afterwards my CC, so it was a kind of draining day. Anyway my CC suggested keeping a mood diary, considering that last week I was 'fine' and this week I'm feeling like shit again.

I've contemplated keeping a mood diary before, but the ones I kept finding on the net didn't always appeal to me/looked complicated/looked too simple etc etc. I tried making one myself but I didn't stick to that either. I've found one that looks good so hopefully that will give everyone (including myself) some insight into what's going on.

Actually I'm not okay.

I dunno. I don't know what my mood is like or even how to describe it. I just feel...bleugh. I feel better than I did two weeks ago, but worse than a few days ago.

It's like I'm worrying or something, but not quite. It's just me being anxious for no reason I suppose, but it's annoying. Everything is annoying. Why can't I just be normal? Be happy? Be...something other than this?

My CC put in a referral to day opportunities service to get me doing some activities. Part of me (my mind) wants to do it because it gets boring and frustrating staying indoors all the time doing nothing worthwhile, but the other part of me (my body or whatever) wants to stay indoors, in bed, by myself. I haven't got the energy to interact with other people.

This is just nerves right? Being nervous about new experiences. I'll be fine, right?

Or maybe it's just because I'm recovering from a cold so I'm bound to feel shit?

I DON'T KNOW.

Who the fuck am I? Is it normal to go through patches of normalcy, then tears, then happiness and all the way back again? I wish someone could just tell me what is wrong with me. Being told I had schizoaffctive disorder was fine with me - I had a diagnosis. A purpose, almost. I knew what was wrong and could find out the different ways I could possibly act. But now that EIS aren't agreeing with HTT's diagnosis and are not sure...I just want to know who I am.

I mean is it just me? Am I overreacting, making a big deal over nothing? Am I...Am I just...I'm sick of saying this, thinking this but I. Just. Do. Not. Know.

I need a hug and maybe some cider.

Making phone calls

is something I really hate doing. If it's to people I know very well, then it's something within the realms of possibility. But any other time - no way.

My CC wants me to call some people to find out more about joining particular groups. I've got some phone numbers, but to call...no, I just can't see myself doing it. :(

But she's gonna question why I can't make a 'simple' phone call. I just get anxious. I don't know what the other person is going to say on the phone and I can't see their reaction. Sometimes I actually can make a random phone call, but that's when there is a necessity to do so because not doing so will make something happen that will make me feel worse.

Fucking phones.

As an update...

My sleep is now fine. I've got 6 tablets left of zopiclone, but I haven't taken it for almost a month. My appetite could be better. I'm eating unhealthy food and not exercising at all, which is something I want to change. Urm...oh on Thursday my CC said I could stop taking arirpiprazole now and just continue on the sertraline. Got no side effects.

So yeah, just getting on with things as best as I can.

yesterday I felt as though I had to act 'crazy' to get something I'm entitled to.

My CC suggested I'd be eligible for a Freedom Pass, and she gave me a form she'd filled out on my behalf with info from the psychiatric doctor of the EIS team. All I had to do was go to my local service station/centre, fill in another form, show proof of ID then get a letter and go to the Post Office.

When I went to the service station, the guy asked me who the application was for and I said for me. Now please note, freedom passes are for those aged 60 or over or disabled persons. Freedom passes can also be given to those with psychiatric conditions who would not be allowed to hold a valid driving license if they applied for one. But usually when someone thinks of a Freedom pass they think of a visible disability. I have no physical disability so the guy kinda looked surprised, but he managed to hide it well.

Anyway I get the feeling he and the other lady at the service desk were thinking why I was applying for one/thinking 'she shouldn't be entitled'. Except I am. And I had one when I was 16 which was incredibly useful for me.

Having a freedom pass means less stress and worry on money and less chance of missing out on opportunities just because I'm skint. I just felt though that yesterday those that dealt with me thought I was breaking the law or some shit.

Anyway I got the letter and should receive the pass in the next few days. I want my mum to get one though because she is more entitled to it than I am, I believe. Her condition is more 'serious' and enduring. And I do wonder if the DVLA would let her get a driving license.

I filled in an Advance Directive

(it kinda looks like this)

It was alright. Just asked me what kinda treatment I wanted/didn't want and so on. And I photocopied myself a copy on orange paper. Just to jazz it up a little.

In other news, I'm due back at university next week. Kind of excited. But at the same time I feel as though I'm not quite ready. As if...I'm hesitant. I'm not going to be going back to classes full on as I've already (thankfully) passed two modules. But I'm still...I dunno, I really can't express it into words.

Maybe it's just nerves and laziness because I'm so used to being at home, doing nothing strenuous. Who knows.

Facing nearly a week without medication

So this is fun.

The whole GP/meds thing wasn't sorted yesterday. My mum went to the GP on my behalf and they just prescribed the 5mg of abilify saying that's the most important medication. Not to me it's not. The most important medication for me is the sertraline. I'm not taking anything unless I get my 150mg sertraline.

I'm seeing my CC on Tuesday so hopefully...hopefully things will get sorted out.

---

It's a busy week next week - seeing my CC on Tuesday, going to uni on Wednesday to see if and when I can resume my studies (it feels weird that I want to go back when I was quite prepared to fucking die a few months ago). Then on Thursday I have a long assessment meeting. Fun.

I now have a care co-ordinator from.... drum roll please...

Early Intervention in Psychosis! This is due to the family history of psychosis, hallucinations etc etc.

So yeah. No big deal. Having said that, I'm feeling good today. I feel like I'm ready to go back to university when I'm able to.