Fuck.

I went out and felt anxious. Felt that people were looking at me. I was even waiting at a crossing for cars to go past, and caught someone looking straight at me. That just kinda confirms my fears, doesn't it?

I try and rationalise my thoughts and say 'oh maybe it's just people admiring your hairstyle (got black & blue plaits)' or 'people are just glancing like you usually do when you're out and about'. But...it feels more than that. People. Are. Watching.

When I was in Crisis House a few months ago, there was a period where I thought if I was thinking too much, then people would be able to hear what I was thinking. Sometimes I still think that but....ugh.

And why has my mood come down? Last weekend I was feeling happy, then at the start of this week I was even happier...But it's not true happiness. I know it's not, it doesn't feel real.

Maybe I have got schizoaffective disorder. I wouldn't be surprised. I dunno wtf is going on. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!

Oh hey...

I feel like shit and my internet is nearly finished. Won't get it topped up til Monday or something. *sigh* I feel sleepy, I don't know why, I went to bed at the same time I usually do. And I'm worrying again over nothing I can think of. I'm so tired I can't even be bothered to go out. I told myself I'd go to my cousin's place today but I just can't be bothered. And I need to go out and buy food, well I've just completed an online order for Sainsbury's tomorrow. I just want to stay iiiiiiiiiin.

I'm so tired I haven't even taken my medication yet. I might just skip it, now that it's nearly 3 in the afternoon.

I'm worrying about something.

What, I don't know. Ugh wtf, I was fine, now I'm worrying, stressing, no not stressing, just worrying. Anxiety~

Avoidant personality disorder

People with avoidant personality disorder are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others.

FML.

I'm not saying I have this personality disorder, but I wouldn't be surprised if I did. It just sounds an awful lot like me.

Actually I'm not okay.

I dunno. I don't know what my mood is like or even how to describe it. I just feel...bleugh. I feel better than I did two weeks ago, but worse than a few days ago.

It's like I'm worrying or something, but not quite. It's just me being anxious for no reason I suppose, but it's annoying. Everything is annoying. Why can't I just be normal? Be happy? Be...something other than this?

My CC put in a referral to day opportunities service to get me doing some activities. Part of me (my mind) wants to do it because it gets boring and frustrating staying indoors all the time doing nothing worthwhile, but the other part of me (my body or whatever) wants to stay indoors, in bed, by myself. I haven't got the energy to interact with other people.

This is just nerves right? Being nervous about new experiences. I'll be fine, right?

Or maybe it's just because I'm recovering from a cold so I'm bound to feel shit?

I DON'T KNOW.

Who the fuck am I? Is it normal to go through patches of normalcy, then tears, then happiness and all the way back again? I wish someone could just tell me what is wrong with me. Being told I had schizoaffctive disorder was fine with me - I had a diagnosis. A purpose, almost. I knew what was wrong and could find out the different ways I could possibly act. But now that EIS aren't agreeing with HTT's diagnosis and are not sure...I just want to know who I am.

I mean is it just me? Am I overreacting, making a big deal over nothing? Am I...Am I just...I'm sick of saying this, thinking this but I. Just. Do. Not. Know.

I need a hug and maybe some cider.

So yay, the clocks went back yesterday (or today...whatever) so I got an extra hour in bed. But of course here comes the downside - darker days ahead. I hate autumn/winter. So miserable, cold, rainy, snowy, dark, depressing. And also I keep having ups and downs. Downs that I don't want to actualise (is that a word?) by writing it down, ups in just my general mood. I dunno.

I'm okay anyway.

Making phone calls

is something I really hate doing. If it's to people I know very well, then it's something within the realms of possibility. But any other time - no way.

My CC wants me to call some people to find out more about joining particular groups. I've got some phone numbers, but to call...no, I just can't see myself doing it. :(

But she's gonna question why I can't make a 'simple' phone call. I just get anxious. I don't know what the other person is going to say on the phone and I can't see their reaction. Sometimes I actually can make a random phone call, but that's when there is a necessity to do so because not doing so will make something happen that will make me feel worse.

Fucking phones.

yesterday I felt as though I had to act 'crazy' to get something I'm entitled to.

My CC suggested I'd be eligible for a Freedom Pass, and she gave me a form she'd filled out on my behalf with info from the psychiatric doctor of the EIS team. All I had to do was go to my local service station/centre, fill in another form, show proof of ID then get a letter and go to the Post Office.

When I went to the service station, the guy asked me who the application was for and I said for me. Now please note, freedom passes are for those aged 60 or over or disabled persons. Freedom passes can also be given to those with psychiatric conditions who would not be allowed to hold a valid driving license if they applied for one. But usually when someone thinks of a Freedom pass they think of a visible disability. I have no physical disability so the guy kinda looked surprised, but he managed to hide it well.

Anyway I get the feeling he and the other lady at the service desk were thinking why I was applying for one/thinking 'she shouldn't be entitled'. Except I am. And I had one when I was 16 which was incredibly useful for me.

Having a freedom pass means less stress and worry on money and less chance of missing out on opportunities just because I'm skint. I just felt though that yesterday those that dealt with me thought I was breaking the law or some shit.

Anyway I got the letter and should receive the pass in the next few days. I want my mum to get one though because she is more entitled to it than I am, I believe. Her condition is more 'serious' and enduring. And I do wonder if the DVLA would let her get a driving license.

Listening to "As Above, So Below (Justice remix)" by the Klaxons

...and I feel positive. I was worrying about going back to uni and how everyone seems to have already graduated and/or moved on with their lives while I'm stuck in a rut, but wait a minute. Even though it will take an additional two years for me to eventually pass this course than the standard 3 years, why should I feel sad? It just means I'm getting more education, thus I'll hopefully be a better nurse.

The grass is always greener

It's Sunday night and I have no last-minute homework to get going with. No packing my bag for the next morning. No sorting out what I'm going to wear. It feels so weird.

Not that I miss having homework, goodness no. But the feeling of having something to do, something to look forward to, that what I'm missing.

Hopefully that will be sorted out by the end of the month. I'm due to restart university from the 26th of this month. It's my last chance. As I'm doing nursing, I have to abide by NMC standards. And they state an individual has to finish their nursing course within 5 years of starting it. I started in 2007, so I have to finish by this time next year. I hope I can make it.

I'm just getting paranoid and anxious that something will happen that will prevent my from finishing. Like I'll be involved in a car accident, or I'll somehow be disabled or something desperately tragic will happen in my life between now and next year. I'm certainly over-thinking things; my pessimism has decided to join my anxious mind.