If you're gonna delete a post of mine on a forum

At least fucking PM me about it. Fuck you.

I understand why it was deleted (it wasn't offensive but anyway) but instead of sneakily deleting it and hoping no-one would mention it again, PM me yeah? What, you think I wouldn't fucking notice? Fuck off. Dick.

So I can't sleep.

And I dunno, it might have something to do with the fact that I spent at least 12 hours sleeping this morning. Like...I didn't really properly wake up until 3pm. And that was only because I had a Sainsbury's delivery due between 3-4pm.

I dunno why I've been so tired for the past few days. And I feel so ashamed - I haven't touched my dissertation in days. Not since Monday or Tuesday I think. I'm such a lazy cow.

So yeah, I can't sleep. And I don't want to take any zopiclone. I still have about 6 tabs left but I want to save it in case I really need it. And I've run out of GB from my 3 internet til tomorrow (Monday). So I can't even pass the time online. I just want some company I think. I feel a bit alone. Even when mum came in to say goodnight I was like 'ahh, keep me company!' in a half-joking way.

Oh just seen, it's 20/11/2011. 20/11 if that makes sense.

I dunno why my mood is down. I dunno why I feel....sad. I certainly feel fat, really want to lose the weight I've put on.

Ah I dunno. I keep saying that. Maybe I just need to sleep. Let's see how I feel later.

Fuck.

I went out and felt anxious. Felt that people were looking at me. I was even waiting at a crossing for cars to go past, and caught someone looking straight at me. That just kinda confirms my fears, doesn't it?

I try and rationalise my thoughts and say 'oh maybe it's just people admiring your hairstyle (got black & blue plaits)' or 'people are just glancing like you usually do when you're out and about'. But...it feels more than that. People. Are. Watching.

When I was in Crisis House a few months ago, there was a period where I thought if I was thinking too much, then people would be able to hear what I was thinking. Sometimes I still think that but....ugh.

And why has my mood come down? Last weekend I was feeling happy, then at the start of this week I was even happier...But it's not true happiness. I know it's not, it doesn't feel real.

Maybe I have got schizoaffective disorder. I wouldn't be surprised. I dunno wtf is going on. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!

Oh hey...

I feel like shit and my internet is nearly finished. Won't get it topped up til Monday or something. *sigh* I feel sleepy, I don't know why, I went to bed at the same time I usually do. And I'm worrying again over nothing I can think of. I'm so tired I can't even be bothered to go out. I told myself I'd go to my cousin's place today but I just can't be bothered. And I need to go out and buy food, well I've just completed an online order for Sainsbury's tomorrow. I just want to stay iiiiiiiiiin.

I'm so tired I haven't even taken my medication yet. I might just skip it, now that it's nearly 3 in the afternoon.

My mood is dwindling.

I don't know why. I've got that feeling again that I get from time to time when I feel worried and anxious about something and get that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I'm worrying about something.

What, I don't know. Ugh wtf, I was fine, now I'm worrying, stressing, no not stressing, just worrying. Anxiety~

So I forgot to mention the other day...

when I saw my CC, I was quite distressed. And anyway, while she was talking to me I heard a door slam outside almost like someone was angry, and I suddenly thought 'They're angry at me'.

Now, I know that is impossible - how could someone slam the door because of me when I've been in the same room with someone else for the past half an hour? But I felt so guilty and ashamed almost, that I had caused that door to be slammed like that. Mad, right?

I still feel hungry.

Why is that? I've eaten today already and yet...I wanna eat more. Greedy cow.

Ugh here we go again, I swear this negative part of me is becoming louder and is so harsh.

Bitch. I want you to fuck off.

I don't understand what it is. Is it me? Is it someone else? I think it's me, but in a split sense. I won't say split personality because I don't believe that is me, but it's certainly and definitely something.

And I weighed myself today at those scales you find in chemists - 14st 4lbs / 90.7kg. When I was in hospital in Luton this year I was 77kg. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

I'm angry and fine at the same time.

My mood is brighter. Perhaps a 5.5. I'm on a mental health forum trying to help people and I feel kinda happy. Happy that I'm at least trying to give support But angry at the same time. Angry that life is throwing shit at everyone, and angry that for once I feel positive about myself and what I'm doing, and yet I can't hold onto this feeling when I need it most.

I am a good person, surely? I can see the best in people. I am willing to help when someone is broken and needs that bit of hope. So why can I not be that strong person when I'm feeling down and depressed? Why do I criticise myself and put myself down when I feel I don't deserve it?

I am a good person. Good. I have to believe it.

I feel a bit better.

Bit more positive.

No-one understands, do they?

Not really.

I am aware

that people can and do care for each other. But what I can't work out is if people care for me or are just doing what is morally right by keeping me alive and making me suffer.

Do people care? I hope so but I can't be sure. Why?

Why do I find it so hard to trust people to help me if I need it? Why don't I ever ask for help? Why?

Oh it's streaming down your face, you poor girl.

Am I nice? I don't know.

Take it this way - I am willing to help someone out of love. Compassion. Sympathy. Empathy. So I guess I am nice. But I can't bring myself to believe it.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

You gentle flower. Poor you. But really? Get a grip. Stupid bitch.

Oh my gosh you're so self-critical. Are you the most messed up person in the world? Not crazy enough to kill, but crazy enough to be weird? Be abnormal. I just want to be normal. Please. Please. Make it stop, oh my make it stop.

Make it stop. Oh the tears, the tears. Get a tissue you poor love.

Thank you. Be nice to me please. Don't breakdown, don't ever do that. You're a good person and I love you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Erase the mind and you will be fine.

Erase the mind and you will be fine.

You love me, thank you. Do you love me as a person?

Yes. No doubt.

Oh my! Thank you. Tears streaming down your face, you poor girl. How do you cope?

I don't. Fuck this eternal haywire. Streaming down your face, you poor girl. Aargh, you complete weirdo. But I love you. Right.

Don't make it sound superficial. Don't say it because you have to. Don't say it because you want to. Say it because you mean it.

Oh my. Please mean it. I beg. Do people have to beg for love? I hope not. How sad.

You're sad. And not in a derogatory sense (well done, you spelt that correctly on your first try. You're good at something. Yes!). You're crying and tearful and disturbed. Yes?

you're broken

You will never be alright, never be okay. You will forever live in downtrodden dismay and despair. You know it will happen. I'm sorry to say it but it's true.

Have they dried up? The tears? Good. Well done. Don't be a stupid bitch and start that all over again.

And again.

And

Again.

And yet

I like the fat you carry, so I can't hold that against you. I take that fucking thing back. But everything else, oh everything else is true.

Isn't it?

Can't deny it can you.

You can't even spell right. You had to go back and correct that last sentence.

And see look - you're such a perfectionist. Even when you rant about yourself you have to make sure every little thing is fucking PERFECT. YOU ARE NOT FUCKING PERFECT.

"Oh but there's no such thing as perfect" - well you're the least closest thing to perfect there is. Idiot.

Can't do this, can't do that.

The world is obsessed with material worth. There are people dying but then it's enevitable, isn't it.

Well fuck that, fucking bullshit piece of worthless crap you are.

"Oh but where has all this come from?" how the fuck am I supposed to know? All I know is you deserve it.

Oh, and if you're reading this back thinking "what the fuck was that all about? L-O-L" then fuck you. Actually F.U.C.K. Y.O.U.

Oh but my day was going so well - fuck you. Life isn't perfect. But then I have to ask myself, my stupid worthless self. You know what fuck this. Fuck everything.

WHERE'S THE PILLS FOR ME TO OVERDOSE FOR GOOD she says.

Where the fuck are they. *sigh* *sigh* *sigh*

I just need you to be quiet. Just for a bit please. Just be quiet. Ssh. That's it. Calm down. Take it easy. There, there.

What I would like

is for someone to shut down the negative aspect of myself. I honestly feel like I'm two almost different persons. One nice oh-so-fucking-shy person butter wouldn't fucking melt and then me. Even though that fucked up bitch is me. But the other part is poison. Fucking poison.

Btw I'm drowning here. Help would be appreciated.

Why me? Oh the whining, it returns!! WHY ME, why not you idiot. It's all your fault AND YET it actually isn't. Maybe I put this all on myself. It was my own fault I became depressed. Right?

Wrong. You can't will yourself to get depressed, stupid piece of shit. You know what annoys me the most about you? You're a fucking idiot. You can't talk to people, can't look them in the eye. "Oh but I'm so generous and considerate" considerate as fuck you are.

You're awkward, stupid, ugly, fat, idiotic, brainless, a failure and a shameful person. "What have I got to be ashamed about?" everything about you dumb fuck.

"Oh but why are you writing such hurtful things wahah" because you deserve it.

Note to self:

Don't fucking eat nuts first thing in the morning. You will feel nauseous for ages. You dumb fuck.

I feel deflated.

Avoidant personality disorder

People with avoidant personality disorder are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others.

FML.

I'm not saying I have this personality disorder, but I wouldn't be surprised if I did. It just sounds an awful lot like me.

Am I getting depressed again? Cos I haven't taken any arirpiprazole for a month or something since I was told I could come off it, and my mood is just...pleurgh. Exactly that, pleurgh.

I was going to go out

and see my cousins but I don't know if I can be bothered now. Life...

Tune in next time to find out if I make it out or not.

That awkward moment when you spend 5 minutes each day wondering if you're a 5 or a 6.

I've joined MoodPanda.