So...

I finally got motivated enough to do some of my dissertation work. I spent nearly 3 hours searching online for research papers, spent some time reading about 4 or 5 papers, printed some off etc etc. I feel really happy and proud that I've done as much as I have. I've got two papers in mind that I'll critique and another two that I'll use to evaluate them and stuff. Amazing!

But while I was reading through the first paper, I suddenly thought of the email I got a few days ago from a colleague of mine asking for help with the research module. She's asked for help before and I gave it, even though it was tiring and I went out of my fucking way to help. And I literally mean out of my way.

But the thought of helping her now is just too much. I am fucking cracking here, well not really, not at the moment. But I'm lucky that I have only this module to focus on. I can't be helping someone else out, that's too much stress for me. I need to take things slow.

Ah but how to tell her gently but firmly that I can't help out. I know she'll be like 'oh but please, just help me with this one little piece I don't understand...' and before you know it I'm doing the fucking work for her.

Yes third year is tough. Yes this research piece counts for a high majority of our classification. Yes it's stressful. But shit girl, I got my own problems to deal with. Go to your supervisor, ask other people in the class for help. But don't bother me please, especially if you knew all the shit I've been through this year.

I don't feel worth it.

I got an email today from the lecturer I spoke to yesterday saying I'm worth it. I don't believe so. I don't know. Even when I saw my CC this afternoon she said at the end that I was worth it.

Why can't I believe that?

So today was a good day.

Had an appointment to see my previous counsellor today. I updated her on what had happened since I last saw her in May or something. I really like her; she totally understands me and where I'm coming from and she has an affable persona. Anyway she has a colleague I also know and have seen before, and apparently he spoke to one or two of my lecturers and they've said they're pleased with my clinical work and that they have no worries about that. They just want me to be able to get on with the academic side of it which they believe I'm capable of doing.

It was really nice to hear that. It wasn't a case of me thinking I was a bit shit when I'm on placement, but that...well I guess it's just confidence, really.

And as well as that, I was early for my lecture, and the lecturer saw me sitting outside the classroom about to start my knitting. She invited me in and we had quite a nice chat. She asked me how I was doing and I dunno, I just blurted out how I was trying to get back to 'normal' but was worried about things going wrong again. She also has an affable nature; very easy to talk to. She said it would take time, just like how a broken leg would take months to heal. And I guess she's right.

I'm just...I just keep on relapsing that's all. Hospital at 16, 20 and 22. Two suicide attempts. Self-harm. Depression. What else is wrong with me? Anxiety. Low self-esteem. Low confidence. Shy. Quiet. An irritant. I know this is most likely negative talking but I can't help it. I don't feel like a good enough person. I will never be good enough. Never.


And yet...I know I'm a nice person. I'm a good person. I'm considerate, conscientious. Nice, a good listener. I try to make sure people are alright before me. Sometimes that's to my disadvantage, but it's all with good intentions.

So why do I feel like this? Why do I think this way? Why do I hate myself so much?

Is it possible to come back after two suicide attempts?

I am fucking cracking here. Why the fuck am I crying? I had a good day. I was confident(ish). I was walking around listening to my MP3 player thinking it was the soundtrack to my life. I was told I was bright, that I'd make a good nurse. Capable...But I can't believe any of this shit.


I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

I'd make a good nurse.


I just want an answer. Will everything be alright? I mean think about it - Two suicide attempts by the age of 22. No coping strategies. Family history of psychosis/mental ill health.

I AM FUCKED.

Why me btw? I mean seriously, this is just taking the piss. UGH I WAS HAVING A GOOD DAY.

Everything went better than expected.

I enjoyed myself, managed to talk to people and get on with them quite well. This cohort seems quite lovely. :) Bring on tomorrow.

I'm nervous.

I'm actually annoyed that I have to do my third year again.

Because everyone will be excited and going 'omg third years now'


while I'll just be sitting there like:



Tru facts.

But no, I'm lucky I've been given the opportunity to finish my course. :) Just a shame it's my last chance :O

Fuck it, I'm going to make it.

I. Am. Going. To. Succeed.

Listening to "As Above, So Below (Justice remix)" by the Klaxons

...and I feel positive. I was worrying about going back to uni and how everyone seems to have already graduated and/or moved on with their lives while I'm stuck in a rut, but wait a minute. Even though it will take an additional two years for me to eventually pass this course than the standard 3 years, why should I feel sad? It just means I'm getting more education, thus I'll hopefully be a better nurse.

I filled in an Advance Directive

(it kinda looks like this)

It was alright. Just asked me what kinda treatment I wanted/didn't want and so on. And I photocopied myself a copy on orange paper. Just to jazz it up a little.

In other news, I'm due back at university next week. Kind of excited. But at the same time I feel as though I'm not quite ready. As if...I'm hesitant. I'm not going to be going back to classes full on as I've already (thankfully) passed two modules. But I'm still...I dunno, I really can't express it into words.

Maybe it's just nerves and laziness because I'm so used to being at home, doing nothing strenuous. Who knows.

The grass is always greener

It's Sunday night and I have no last-minute homework to get going with. No packing my bag for the next morning. No sorting out what I'm going to wear. It feels so weird.

Not that I miss having homework, goodness no. But the feeling of having something to do, something to look forward to, that what I'm missing.

Hopefully that will be sorted out by the end of the month. I'm due to restart university from the 26th of this month. It's my last chance. As I'm doing nursing, I have to abide by NMC standards. And they state an individual has to finish their nursing course within 5 years of starting it. I started in 2007, so I have to finish by this time next year. I hope I can make it.

I'm just getting paranoid and anxious that something will happen that will prevent my from finishing. Like I'll be involved in a car accident, or I'll somehow be disabled or something desperately tragic will happen in my life between now and next year. I'm certainly over-thinking things; my pessimism has decided to join my anxious mind.

I got a week's supply of meds from EIS. Anyway...

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I just watched a programme called 'I Used To Be Fat' and the girl (Daria) moved schools. She was popular, used to dance etc then when she moved she used food as a comforter. Anyway they showed a clip of her approaching two girls and starting a conversation with them and then asking if they wanted to go for a coffee. This made me feel both insanely jealous and envious.

I wish I had the confidence to do such a thing. Life is short, but to forgo one's anxieties and negative self-fulfilling prophecies is hard. I'd love to go to uni and easily make friends with my fellow colleagues and just do something as seemingly innocuous as going for a drink.

A girl can dream.

Facing nearly a week without medication

So this is fun.

The whole GP/meds thing wasn't sorted yesterday. My mum went to the GP on my behalf and they just prescribed the 5mg of abilify saying that's the most important medication. Not to me it's not. The most important medication for me is the sertraline. I'm not taking anything unless I get my 150mg sertraline.

I'm seeing my CC on Tuesday so hopefully...hopefully things will get sorted out.

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It's a busy week next week - seeing my CC on Tuesday, going to uni on Wednesday to see if and when I can resume my studies (it feels weird that I want to go back when I was quite prepared to fucking die a few months ago). Then on Thursday I have a long assessment meeting. Fun.

If I'm not allowed back into uni to finish my remaining 6 months and/or I'm unable to even finish it anyway...

One good thing about being a student nurse and having MH issues is the fact that I read up on things that happen or might happen to me (in terms of psychiatry) and it broadens my knowledge of the mind.

Huh, I guess there is a positive to being so depressed when you want to die in an instant.