18 months later (part II)

Audio blog entry (6 mins long)

18 months later

- Engaged

- Still working

- Still on anti-depressants

- Having psychotherapy

- Stable

- Hopeful

- Touch wood

:)

Remember this delightfully positive post?

[N]ow I'm thinking of what I'll be doing this time next year. Will I be working or be in a really bad shape? [Friday 20th July 2012]

Well guess what, non-existent readers of this seldom updated blog? I passed my degree and I've been working for the past 6-7 months in a career I've wanted to do for years and years. Am I happy? I am hesitant to answer in the affirmative. But I am not sad, unhappy nor depressed. I am still taking antidepressants, though I am no longer seeing a community mental health specialist and have been discharged  back to my GP months ago. I have a wonderful and loving boyfriend who makes me happy and I can't remember the last time I truly, truly, got stressed to the point of wanting to do something...bad.*

*that's actually a lie, I can remember a good few months ago I had to take a day off cos work got very stressful and I ended up basically having to deal with a situation I was almost out of my depth for

Regardless, this is a nice post. Let's see if the next one (if there even is one) will be as positive.

Fuck.

I went out and felt anxious. Felt that people were looking at me. I was even waiting at a crossing for cars to go past, and caught someone looking straight at me. That just kinda confirms my fears, doesn't it?

I try and rationalise my thoughts and say 'oh maybe it's just people admiring your hairstyle (got black & blue plaits)' or 'people are just glancing like you usually do when you're out and about'. But...it feels more than that. People. Are. Watching.

When I was in Crisis House a few months ago, there was a period where I thought if I was thinking too much, then people would be able to hear what I was thinking. Sometimes I still think that but....ugh.

And why has my mood come down? Last weekend I was feeling happy, then at the start of this week I was even happier...But it's not true happiness. I know it's not, it doesn't feel real.

Maybe I have got schizoaffective disorder. I wouldn't be surprised. I dunno wtf is going on. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!

Oh hey...

(x)

That awkward moment when you spend 5 minutes each day wondering if you're a 5 or a 6.

I've joined MoodPanda.

I guess I don't mind being crazy as long as it doesn't interfere with my day to day activities of trying to live a fucking life.

BTW, I've applied for DLA (disability living allowance). This is the last thing I want to do, but considering I don't get paid while off sick at uni, and I'm not entitled to Jobseekers allowance or even employment and support allowance, this is my last chance of getting SOME SORT OF HELP from the state.


I'm not hyper, I promise.

Still can't sleep btw