18 months later

- Engaged

- Still working

- Still on anti-depressants

- Having psychotherapy

- Stable

- Hopeful

- Touch wood

:)

Remember this delightfully positive post?

[N]ow I'm thinking of what I'll be doing this time next year. Will I be working or be in a really bad shape? [Friday 20th July 2012]

Well guess what, non-existent readers of this seldom updated blog? I passed my degree and I've been working for the past 6-7 months in a career I've wanted to do for years and years. Am I happy? I am hesitant to answer in the affirmative. But I am not sad, unhappy nor depressed. I am still taking antidepressants, though I am no longer seeing a community mental health specialist and have been discharged  back to my GP months ago. I have a wonderful and loving boyfriend who makes me happy and I can't remember the last time I truly, truly, got stressed to the point of wanting to do something...bad.*

*that's actually a lie, I can remember a good few months ago I had to take a day off cos work got very stressful and I ended up basically having to deal with a situation I was almost out of my depth for

Regardless, this is a nice post. Let's see if the next one (if there even is one) will be as positive.

So I can't sleep.

And I dunno, it might have something to do with the fact that I spent at least 12 hours sleeping this morning. Like...I didn't really properly wake up until 3pm. And that was only because I had a Sainsbury's delivery due between 3-4pm.

I dunno why I've been so tired for the past few days. And I feel so ashamed - I haven't touched my dissertation in days. Not since Monday or Tuesday I think. I'm such a lazy cow.

So yeah, I can't sleep. And I don't want to take any zopiclone. I still have about 6 tabs left but I want to save it in case I really need it. And I've run out of GB from my 3 internet til tomorrow (Monday). So I can't even pass the time online. I just want some company I think. I feel a bit alone. Even when mum came in to say goodnight I was like 'ahh, keep me company!' in a half-joking way.

Oh just seen, it's 20/11/2011. 20/11 if that makes sense.

I dunno why my mood is down. I dunno why I feel....sad. I certainly feel fat, really want to lose the weight I've put on.

Ah I dunno. I keep saying that. Maybe I just need to sleep. Let's see how I feel later.

Fuck.

I went out and felt anxious. Felt that people were looking at me. I was even waiting at a crossing for cars to go past, and caught someone looking straight at me. That just kinda confirms my fears, doesn't it?

I try and rationalise my thoughts and say 'oh maybe it's just people admiring your hairstyle (got black & blue plaits)' or 'people are just glancing like you usually do when you're out and about'. But...it feels more than that. People. Are. Watching.

When I was in Crisis House a few months ago, there was a period where I thought if I was thinking too much, then people would be able to hear what I was thinking. Sometimes I still think that but....ugh.

And why has my mood come down? Last weekend I was feeling happy, then at the start of this week I was even happier...But it's not true happiness. I know it's not, it doesn't feel real.

Maybe I have got schizoaffective disorder. I wouldn't be surprised. I dunno wtf is going on. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!

It was a 5

Now it's a 6. What's that you say? It's my mood! My mood was a bit down for most of today, staying under the covers, just wasting time playing computer games, nothing of real value. But yesterday I offered to cook for mum and do some stew and fried chicken. She said okay, and after around 3:45pm I started preparing and cooking it. I was listening to my music on the mp3 player, singing out loud. Then afterwards I made some apple & porridge and I have to say my mood improved. I felt happy that I was doing something nice and helpful for mum. And when she came home she said the house smelt nice, and that made me smile. :)

My mood is dwindling.

I don't know why. I've got that feeling again that I get from time to time when I feel worried and anxious about something and get that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.

My mood

is slowly but surely coming down. Fuck.

My feet are cold.

And I've put on so much weight, it's ridiculous.

Also why is my mood up and down, wtf is that about?

Meh, gonna play a bit of Tetris and then hopefully hopefully do some of my dissertation. Woo!

One week up, one week down.

Wtf is that all about? Last week I was feeling down and despondent and I wasn't nearing suicide but I just felt generally shit. And now I feel alright. Honestly. How long will this last, who knooooooooows.

I don't want to sleep later.

What if this feeling I have goes away again? It's not like how it was a few months ago when I was super hyper for a few days, but it's getting there.

Am I forcing it to come out? No, it's just happening. But I don't want it to go away, I want it to become bigger and bigger AND BIGGER!

Be happy all the time, be confident not feel confident BE CONFIDENT. I am confident I'm amazing. I feel good.

I feel fat but I feel good, I'm amazing aren't I? I am aren't I? Wow. No don't say wow you idiot. Don't call me an idiot you fucking bitch.

But I'm good right? I am amazing aren't I? :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Feel good.

Listening to new music on Spotify, currently listening to SebastiAn (French electro). And I went out with mum to get her TV fixed. So yeah, cooolio!

I'm angry and fine at the same time.

My mood is brighter. Perhaps a 5.5. I'm on a mental health forum trying to help people and I feel kinda happy. Happy that I'm at least trying to give support But angry at the same time. Angry that life is throwing shit at everyone, and angry that for once I feel positive about myself and what I'm doing, and yet I can't hold onto this feeling when I need it most.

I am a good person, surely? I can see the best in people. I am willing to help when someone is broken and needs that bit of hope. So why can I not be that strong person when I'm feeling down and depressed? Why do I criticise myself and put myself down when I feel I don't deserve it?

I am a good person. Good. I have to believe it.

I'm broken.

I don't feel worth it.

I got an email today from the lecturer I spoke to yesterday saying I'm worth it. I don't believe so. I don't know. Even when I saw my CC this afternoon she said at the end that I was worth it.

Why can't I believe that?

I face the possibility

of maybe having to go back on aripiprazole. I mean my mood is all over the place.

So today was a good day.

Had an appointment to see my previous counsellor today. I updated her on what had happened since I last saw her in May or something. I really like her; she totally understands me and where I'm coming from and she has an affable persona. Anyway she has a colleague I also know and have seen before, and apparently he spoke to one or two of my lecturers and they've said they're pleased with my clinical work and that they have no worries about that. They just want me to be able to get on with the academic side of it which they believe I'm capable of doing.

It was really nice to hear that. It wasn't a case of me thinking I was a bit shit when I'm on placement, but that...well I guess it's just confidence, really.

And as well as that, I was early for my lecture, and the lecturer saw me sitting outside the classroom about to start my knitting. She invited me in and we had quite a nice chat. She asked me how I was doing and I dunno, I just blurted out how I was trying to get back to 'normal' but was worried about things going wrong again. She also has an affable nature; very easy to talk to. She said it would take time, just like how a broken leg would take months to heal. And I guess she's right.

I'm just...I just keep on relapsing that's all. Hospital at 16, 20 and 22. Two suicide attempts. Self-harm. Depression. What else is wrong with me? Anxiety. Low self-esteem. Low confidence. Shy. Quiet. An irritant. I know this is most likely negative talking but I can't help it. I don't feel like a good enough person. I will never be good enough. Never.


And yet...I know I'm a nice person. I'm a good person. I'm considerate, conscientious. Nice, a good listener. I try to make sure people are alright before me. Sometimes that's to my disadvantage, but it's all with good intentions.

So why do I feel like this? Why do I think this way? Why do I hate myself so much?

Is it possible to come back after two suicide attempts?

I am fucking cracking here. Why the fuck am I crying? I had a good day. I was confident(ish). I was walking around listening to my MP3 player thinking it was the soundtrack to my life. I was told I was bright, that I'd make a good nurse. Capable...But I can't believe any of this shit.


I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

I'd make a good nurse.


I just want an answer. Will everything be alright? I mean think about it - Two suicide attempts by the age of 22. No coping strategies. Family history of psychosis/mental ill health.

I AM FUCKED.

Why me btw? I mean seriously, this is just taking the piss. UGH I WAS HAVING A GOOD DAY.

Feeling better.

Today's a 6 btw, on the mood scale thingy-whatever-you-want-to-call-it bullshit.

Was tempted to go to my cousin's place but I'll go tomorrow. Right now I'm just chilling drinking orange juice and listening to music.

I feel deflated.

Am I getting depressed again? Cos I haven't taken any arirpiprazole for a month or something since I was told I could come off it, and my mood is just...pleurgh. Exactly that, pleurgh.

Why do I/should I feel guilty for not wanting human contact?

So my cousin says I'm welcome anytime to see him and the kids. I appreciate that. but there are times when I don't want to go out and just want to stay indoors. I know that that will just increase my anxiety, feelings of being alone and increase how depressed I am but at that very moment I don't care.

So I haven't seen them in two or three weeks. I was gonna go yesterday but didn't. I was gonna go today but didn't. And now I feel guilty. But why should I? It's like I feel I'm under obligation to go and see them. Like they're monitoring how often I see them. Am I being paranoid? I dunno.

Anyway I just like staying indoors. Is that such a horrific thing for me to desire? Being in social contact with other people tires me out.

Is it laziness? Maybe Probably. But at the same time I recognise I'm avoiding the outside. I don't like interacting with other people. I'm scared when I hear laughter that people are laughing at me for whatever reason. I get scared when people look at me, judge me.

I'm too self-critical, aren't I? My CC wants us to work on my confidence and self-esteem next time we meet. I know for a fact that my self-esteem is pretty shitty. But I can't see it changing for the better any time soon.

And you know what I've just thought about? One of the activities I'd like to do with Day Opportunities is to join the knitting group. I was told that it was over-subscribed/not running until next year or something like that, but even the thought of going there eventually makes me nervous. Being with other people, talking and pretending to give a fuck. I can't.

Fuck this motherfucking bullshit.