18 months later (part II)

Audio blog entry (6 mins long)

18 months later

- Engaged

- Still working

- Still on anti-depressants

- Having psychotherapy

- Stable

- Hopeful

- Touch wood

:)

Remember this delightfully positive post?

[N]ow I'm thinking of what I'll be doing this time next year. Will I be working or be in a really bad shape? [Friday 20th July 2012]

Well guess what, non-existent readers of this seldom updated blog? I passed my degree and I've been working for the past 6-7 months in a career I've wanted to do for years and years. Am I happy? I am hesitant to answer in the affirmative. But I am not sad, unhappy nor depressed. I am still taking antidepressants, though I am no longer seeing a community mental health specialist and have been discharged  back to my GP months ago. I have a wonderful and loving boyfriend who makes me happy and I can't remember the last time I truly, truly, got stressed to the point of wanting to do something...bad.*

*that's actually a lie, I can remember a good few months ago I had to take a day off cos work got very stressful and I ended up basically having to deal with a situation I was almost out of my depth for

Regardless, this is a nice post. Let's see if the next one (if there even is one) will be as positive.

If depression were a person, I would've murdered them by now.

Mood Diary

So today was a kind of sucky day. I felt tearful and avoided eye contact. Today I went to see my therapist then afterwards my CC, so it was a kind of draining day. Anyway my CC suggested keeping a mood diary, considering that last week I was 'fine' and this week I'm feeling like shit again.

I've contemplated keeping a mood diary before, but the ones I kept finding on the net didn't always appeal to me/looked complicated/looked too simple etc etc. I tried making one myself but I didn't stick to that either. I've found one that looks good so hopefully that will give everyone (including myself) some insight into what's going on.

2 overdoses and a weekend away in Malta

The above statement/title is not entirely true. I have had two suicide attempts but have never been to Malta.

So my modus operandi seems to be paracetamol. As a teenager I took about 9 or 10 tablets. I was intending to take more, but I'd crushed them for some reason.

At the age of 22, a mere few months ago, I took another overdose. A big one. Approximately 40 tablets/20mg of paracetamol with some ibuprofen & asprin, requiring an IV drip of n-acetylcysteine and some projectile vomiting. Both overdoses were with the intent to die.

There's a checklist or something on suicide intent. This isn't the one I was thinking of, but it'll do:

I ticked all the boxes on both occassions. So yeah.

One good thing about being a student nurse and having MH issues is the fact that I read up on things that happen or might happen to me (in terms of psychiatry) and it broadens my knowledge of the mind.

Huh, I guess there is a positive to being so depressed when you want to die in an instant.