If you're gonna delete a post of mine on a forum

At least fucking PM me about it. Fuck you.

I understand why it was deleted (it wasn't offensive but anyway) but instead of sneakily deleting it and hoping no-one would mention it again, PM me yeah? What, you think I wouldn't fucking notice? Fuck off. Dick.

I refuse to take

any aripiprazole. It's bad enough that I'm on the 2nd highest dose of sertraline available, and now you want me to take another drug? Fuck off.

No-one has actually said I have to, though my CC did lightly touch upon it a few weeks ago.

And why do I have to build my self-confidence? It ain't never gonna happen. I will always be some pathetic idiotic girl who can't deal with anything that happens in the universe. Fucking bitch.

Why do I/should I feel guilty for not wanting human contact?

So my cousin says I'm welcome anytime to see him and the kids. I appreciate that. but there are times when I don't want to go out and just want to stay indoors. I know that that will just increase my anxiety, feelings of being alone and increase how depressed I am but at that very moment I don't care.

So I haven't seen them in two or three weeks. I was gonna go yesterday but didn't. I was gonna go today but didn't. And now I feel guilty. But why should I? It's like I feel I'm under obligation to go and see them. Like they're monitoring how often I see them. Am I being paranoid? I dunno.

Anyway I just like staying indoors. Is that such a horrific thing for me to desire? Being in social contact with other people tires me out.

Is it laziness? Maybe Probably. But at the same time I recognise I'm avoiding the outside. I don't like interacting with other people. I'm scared when I hear laughter that people are laughing at me for whatever reason. I get scared when people look at me, judge me.

I'm too self-critical, aren't I? My CC wants us to work on my confidence and self-esteem next time we meet. I know for a fact that my self-esteem is pretty shitty. But I can't see it changing for the better any time soon.

And you know what I've just thought about? One of the activities I'd like to do with Day Opportunities is to join the knitting group. I was told that it was over-subscribed/not running until next year or something like that, but even the thought of going there eventually makes me nervous. Being with other people, talking and pretending to give a fuck. I can't.

Fuck this motherfucking bullshit.

Feeling like shit

again. Why????? Fuck this bullshit.

Facing nearly a week without medication

So this is fun.

The whole GP/meds thing wasn't sorted yesterday. My mum went to the GP on my behalf and they just prescribed the 5mg of abilify saying that's the most important medication. Not to me it's not. The most important medication for me is the sertraline. I'm not taking anything unless I get my 150mg sertraline.

I'm seeing my CC on Tuesday so hopefully...hopefully things will get sorted out.

---

It's a busy week next week - seeing my CC on Tuesday, going to uni on Wednesday to see if and when I can resume my studies (it feels weird that I want to go back when I was quite prepared to fucking die a few months ago). Then on Thursday I have a long assessment meeting. Fun.

EIP/CMHT/HTT and now PACT *cough*bullshit*cough*

Today I had a joint assessment with Early Intervention in Psychosis (EIP) and CMHT to see where my care co-ordinator will be allocated from. HTT (Home Treatment Team) seem to think I should go to EIP because I've had 'pre-domal psychotic symptoms' such as giggling while talking about my overdose (yeah that was a bit weird; I can barely remember doing that), withdrawing, avoiding eye contact, going mute etc etc. But EIP (and myself) think I should go to CMHT as they think my symptoms are more affective and to do with mood disorders rather than anything psychotic.

To be honest I'm not bothered either way. As long as I get the support I need, then I don't care. Having said that, I don't believe I've experienced any psychotic episodes/symptoms etc. It all comes down to the individual who's assessing me and what my presentation is like on the day, but I think I'm more of a neurotic than a psychotic individual.

In other news, my Home Treatment Team have now been rebranded as Psychiatric Acute Community Team also known as PACT. The most ridiculous name I've ever heard. So pretentious it hurts. And they're now 9-5, so if someone is in a crisis they'll have to go to A&E. Whoopee!