I refuse to take

any aripiprazole. It's bad enough that I'm on the 2nd highest dose of sertraline available, and now you want me to take another drug? Fuck off.

No-one has actually said I have to, though my CC did lightly touch upon it a few weeks ago.

And why do I have to build my self-confidence? It ain't never gonna happen. I will always be some pathetic idiotic girl who can't deal with anything that happens in the universe. Fucking bitch.

I face the possibility

of maybe having to go back on aripiprazole. I mean my mood is all over the place.

Am I getting depressed again? Cos I haven't taken any arirpiprazole for a month or something since I was told I could come off it, and my mood is just...pleurgh. Exactly that, pleurgh.

As an update...

My sleep is now fine. I've got 6 tablets left of zopiclone, but I haven't taken it for almost a month. My appetite could be better. I'm eating unhealthy food and not exercising at all, which is something I want to change. Urm...oh on Thursday my CC said I could stop taking arirpiprazole now and just continue on the sertraline. Got no side effects.

So yeah, just getting on with things as best as I can.

Facing nearly a week without medication

So this is fun.

The whole GP/meds thing wasn't sorted yesterday. My mum went to the GP on my behalf and they just prescribed the 5mg of abilify saying that's the most important medication. Not to me it's not. The most important medication for me is the sertraline. I'm not taking anything unless I get my 150mg sertraline.

I'm seeing my CC on Tuesday so hopefully...hopefully things will get sorted out.

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It's a busy week next week - seeing my CC on Tuesday, going to uni on Wednesday to see if and when I can resume my studies (it feels weird that I want to go back when I was quite prepared to fucking die a few months ago). Then on Thursday I have a long assessment meeting. Fun.

Happy pills

A sexy line-up of pills, featuring from l-r: 100mg sertraline, 10mg arirpiprazole and 50mg sertraline.

I can't sleep!

It’s annoying. For I dunno how many weeks, I’ve been unable to have a full night’s sleep. Every day, I go to bed at let’s say 10-11pm, and wake up a few hours later at 2, 3, 4 or sometimes 5 in the morning. Then I can’t sleep for a few hours before falling asleep at around 6am.

This is insomnia, right? Inability to sleep or stay asleep? I think it’s arirpiprazole causing it. I’m on 10mg (low dose) but I already had side effects of akathesia on 5mg, so I don’t doubt this sleeping problem is down to this tiny weeny tablet.

It’s all cute and innocent, this tablet. Also known as Abilify (‘abilify’ you to what, not sleep?) 5mg is a pale blue colour while 10mg is a pale baby pink. I’m tempted to stop taking it, but at the same time I don’t want to continue my family’s tradition of experiencing psychotic episodes. Being depressed and occasionally being high ‘n’ hyper is far enough for me, thanks.