18 months later (part II)

Audio blog entry (6 mins long)

Remember this delightfully positive post?

[N]ow I'm thinking of what I'll be doing this time next year. Will I be working or be in a really bad shape? [Friday 20th July 2012]

Well guess what, non-existent readers of this seldom updated blog? I passed my degree and I've been working for the past 6-7 months in a career I've wanted to do for years and years. Am I happy? I am hesitant to answer in the affirmative. But I am not sad, unhappy nor depressed. I am still taking antidepressants, though I am no longer seeing a community mental health specialist and have been discharged  back to my GP months ago. I have a wonderful and loving boyfriend who makes me happy and I can't remember the last time I truly, truly, got stressed to the point of wanting to do something...bad.*

*that's actually a lie, I can remember a good few months ago I had to take a day off cos work got very stressful and I ended up basically having to deal with a situation I was almost out of my depth for

Regardless, this is a nice post. Let's see if the next one (if there even is one) will be as positive.

Also...

Based on one of those tests I took, I appear to have the martyr/victim complex.

"The martyr is one who employs self-sacrifice and victimization as a way of avoiding to take responsibility for their life. They are prepared, however, to take responsibility for everyone else's life.

They are invariably unhappy and unfulfilled because they deny their own needs for the sake of others. They view life as a struggle, and themselves as a bastion of righteousness in an ungrateful world." (link)

Personality tests galore

Just leaving this here...

R-Drive Personality Test Results Narcissism |||||| 22% Unconventionality |||||||||||||| 55% Empiricism |||||||||||| 50% Identity |||| 16% Othercentricism |||||||||||||||| 66% Independence |||||||||||||||||| 72% Integrity |||||||||||| 50% Intellect |||||||||||||||||| 72% Stoicism |||||||||| 38% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 55% Dynamism || 6% Activity |||||| 27% Romanticism |||||| 22% Hedonism |||||||||| 38%

Take Free R-Drive Personality Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

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ISFJ

follows the rules, polite, fears drawing attention to self, dislikes competition, somewhat easily frightened, easily offended, timid, dutiful, private, lower energy, finisher, organized, socially uncomfortable, modest, not confrontational, easily hurt, observer, prone to crying, not spontaneous, does not appreciate strangeness - intolerant to differences, apprehensive, clean, planner, prone to confusion, afraid of many things, responsible, guarded, avoidant, anxious, cautious, suspicious, more interested in relationships and family than intellectual pursuits, not adventurous, fears doing the wrong thing, dislikes change ---

Big Five Word Test Results

Extroversion (15%) very low which suggests you are extremely reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive. Accommodation (78%) high which suggests you are overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense too often of your own individual development (martyr complex). Orderliness (47%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, structured, and self controlled while still remaining flexible, varied, and fun. Emotional Stability (38%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Inquisitiveness (41%) moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly small minded, traditional, and conventional at the expense of intellectual curiousity, possibility, and progress.

Take Free Big Five Word Choice Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

RLUAN 

socially unskilled, unable to speak up for self, depressed, low self confidence, afraid of providing criticism, discontent, negative, apologetic, not a leader, quiet around strangers, prone to lateness, easy to fool, low energy level, easily distracted, feels defective, avoids crowds, avoids unnecessary social interaction, easy to persuade, avoidant, anxious, worrying, pessimist, unambitious, private, dependent, easily hurt, self loathing, frequently overwhelmed by unpleasant emotions, dislikes the spotlight, afraid to draw attention to self, fearful, weak sense or purpose, easily discouraged, lonely, not punctual, finishes work late, unadventurous, uninterested in science, prone to panic, easily embarrassed, happy doing mindless work, unproductive, loner, embarrassed by praise, prone to tears, easy to influence, feels unattractive, uncompetitive, modest, apprehensive about new encounters, second guesses self, feels untalented, not big on philosophical discussions, hesitant, undemanding, overly nice, avoids being a bother to anyone Accommodating (17.1% of women; 14% of men) happiest when giving to others, not self absorbed, wants to carry on traditions of family, not materialistic, modest, serves others, not domineering, overly loyal, not competitive, does not need instant gratification, not controlling, compassionate, sympathetic, sensitive to the needs of others, not manipulative, gets along with others, does not make enemies, not vain, dislikes conflict, constructive, prone to spirituality, can be a doormat, good at taking advice, can be submissive

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Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||| 16% Stability |||||||||| 38% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 55% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||| 77% Intellectual |||||||||||| 50% Interdependence |||||||||| 33% Mystical |||| 16% Materialism |||||| 25% Narcissism |||| 16% Adventurousness 0% Work ethic |||||||||||||| 58% Conflictseeking |||| 16% Need to dominate |||| 16% Romantic |||||||||||||| 58% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 66% Anti-authority |||||| 25% Wealth || 8% Dependency |||||||||||||| 55% Change averse |||||||||||||||||| 77% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||| 75% Individuality |||||||||||||||| 61% Sexuality |||||||||||| 41% Peter pancomplex |||||||||||||||| 66% Histrionic |||||| 25% Vanity |||| 16% Artistic |||||| 25% Hedonism |||||||||||| 50% Physicalfitness |||||| 27% Religious || 8% Paranoia |||||| 25% Hypersensitivity |||||||||| 38% Indie |||||||||||||| 58%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun. Extraversion results were very low which suggests you are extremely reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:

clean, secretive, does not make friends easily, observer, hates large parties, risk averse, perfectionist, reclusive, solitude loving, more practical than abstract, does not like to stand out, high self control, intellectual, mind over heart, very cautious, takes precautions, respects authority, irritable, emotionally sensitive

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MOTIV Personality Test Results href="http://similarminds.com/motiv/materialist.html">Materialistic

||||||||||
36%
Offbeat
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56%
Thinking
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63%
Intimate
||||||||||||||||||
76%
Vitality
||||||
26%
Take Free MOTIV Personality Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

My foot

is itchy as fuck. Been scratching it for the last 5-10 minutes now. Fuckity fuck.

Anyway therapy is going well. Pete* suggested that the negative thinking might be me wanting to maintain a victim role or something. We agreed that I should try and develop the 3rd aspect of my self - i.e. the part that is able to reflect and contradict the negative part. He used a specific word (beginning with 'C' I think) but I've forgotten it...

Also he got a call from my counsellor at uni - apparently she thinks I'm 'talented'. I told him that I find it hard to take on and believe when people say positive things about me. It's like by being negative I avoid disappointing myself and others, so it's almost like a comfort to be negative. It feels safe. Whereas if I'm positive, then there's always the possibility of being 'bought back down to earth' and being hurt.

I'm not a fucking idiot. Ah but it's so easy for me to say I am. No, I'm not an idiot. I am bright, conscientious and well-spoken. Where's the proof? I've gotten A's and B's in my coursework during uni, I've been told numerous times that I'm intelligent, I'm able to read almost anything and understand it, my command of English is very good, and I'm not finding this degree course too hard at all. I am intelligent.

Ah, but isn't it big-headed of people to say 'I'm intelligent'? Okay, I'm bright. I. Am. A. Bright. Person.

And also itchy as fuck, ugh.

I'm angry and fine at the same time.

My mood is brighter. Perhaps a 5.5. I'm on a mental health forum trying to help people and I feel kinda happy. Happy that I'm at least trying to give support But angry at the same time. Angry that life is throwing shit at everyone, and angry that for once I feel positive about myself and what I'm doing, and yet I can't hold onto this feeling when I need it most.

I am a good person, surely? I can see the best in people. I am willing to help when someone is broken and needs that bit of hope. So why can I not be that strong person when I'm feeling down and depressed? Why do I criticise myself and put myself down when I feel I don't deserve it?

I am a good person. Good. I have to believe it.

I feel a bit better.

Bit more positive.

I don't feel worth it.

I got an email today from the lecturer I spoke to yesterday saying I'm worth it. I don't believe so. I don't know. Even when I saw my CC this afternoon she said at the end that I was worth it.

Why can't I believe that?

So today was a good day.

Had an appointment to see my previous counsellor today. I updated her on what had happened since I last saw her in May or something. I really like her; she totally understands me and where I'm coming from and she has an affable persona. Anyway she has a colleague I also know and have seen before, and apparently he spoke to one or two of my lecturers and they've said they're pleased with my clinical work and that they have no worries about that. They just want me to be able to get on with the academic side of it which they believe I'm capable of doing.

It was really nice to hear that. It wasn't a case of me thinking I was a bit shit when I'm on placement, but that...well I guess it's just confidence, really.

And as well as that, I was early for my lecture, and the lecturer saw me sitting outside the classroom about to start my knitting. She invited me in and we had quite a nice chat. She asked me how I was doing and I dunno, I just blurted out how I was trying to get back to 'normal' but was worried about things going wrong again. She also has an affable nature; very easy to talk to. She said it would take time, just like how a broken leg would take months to heal. And I guess she's right.

I'm just...I just keep on relapsing that's all. Hospital at 16, 20 and 22. Two suicide attempts. Self-harm. Depression. What else is wrong with me? Anxiety. Low self-esteem. Low confidence. Shy. Quiet. An irritant. I know this is most likely negative talking but I can't help it. I don't feel like a good enough person. I will never be good enough. Never.


And yet...I know I'm a nice person. I'm a good person. I'm considerate, conscientious. Nice, a good listener. I try to make sure people are alright before me. Sometimes that's to my disadvantage, but it's all with good intentions.

So why do I feel like this? Why do I think this way? Why do I hate myself so much?

Is it possible to come back after two suicide attempts?

I am fucking cracking here. Why the fuck am I crying? I had a good day. I was confident(ish). I was walking around listening to my MP3 player thinking it was the soundtrack to my life. I was told I was bright, that I'd make a good nurse. Capable...But I can't believe any of this shit.


I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

I'd make a good nurse.


I just want an answer. Will everything be alright? I mean think about it - Two suicide attempts by the age of 22. No coping strategies. Family history of psychosis/mental ill health.

I AM FUCKED.

Why me btw? I mean seriously, this is just taking the piss. UGH I WAS HAVING A GOOD DAY.

Avoidant personality disorder

People with avoidant personality disorder are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others.

FML.

I'm not saying I have this personality disorder, but I wouldn't be surprised if I did. It just sounds an awful lot like me.

Am I getting depressed again? Cos I haven't taken any arirpiprazole for a month or something since I was told I could come off it, and my mood is just...pleurgh. Exactly that, pleurgh.

I was going to go out

and see my cousins but I don't know if I can be bothered now. Life...

Tune in next time to find out if I make it out or not.

I bought a pair of 9mm knitting needles and two yarns of yellow wool today. 6 quid. No idea why, just spur of the moment shit. But I hate spending money like there's no tomorrow. Maybe I should just hand over my cash and card to my mother, let her be my...thingy (can't think of the word).

Anyway I prefer knitting with this kind of yarn to be honest. Whatever, whatever.

Oh heyyy look, an artistic impression of my mood right now.

Actually I'm not okay.

I dunno. I don't know what my mood is like or even how to describe it. I just feel...bleugh. I feel better than I did two weeks ago, but worse than a few days ago.

It's like I'm worrying or something, but not quite. It's just me being anxious for no reason I suppose, but it's annoying. Everything is annoying. Why can't I just be normal? Be happy? Be...something other than this?

My CC put in a referral to day opportunities service to get me doing some activities. Part of me (my mind) wants to do it because it gets boring and frustrating staying indoors all the time doing nothing worthwhile, but the other part of me (my body or whatever) wants to stay indoors, in bed, by myself. I haven't got the energy to interact with other people.

This is just nerves right? Being nervous about new experiences. I'll be fine, right?

Or maybe it's just because I'm recovering from a cold so I'm bound to feel shit?

I DON'T KNOW.

Who the fuck am I? Is it normal to go through patches of normalcy, then tears, then happiness and all the way back again? I wish someone could just tell me what is wrong with me. Being told I had schizoaffctive disorder was fine with me - I had a diagnosis. A purpose, almost. I knew what was wrong and could find out the different ways I could possibly act. But now that EIS aren't agreeing with HTT's diagnosis and are not sure...I just want to know who I am.

I mean is it just me? Am I overreacting, making a big deal over nothing? Am I...Am I just...I'm sick of saying this, thinking this but I. Just. Do. Not. Know.

I need a hug and maybe some cider.

So yay, the clocks went back yesterday (or today...whatever) so I got an extra hour in bed. But of course here comes the downside - darker days ahead. I hate autumn/winter. So miserable, cold, rainy, snowy, dark, depressing. And also I keep having ups and downs. Downs that I don't want to actualise (is that a word?) by writing it down, ups in just my general mood. I dunno.

I'm okay anyway.

Today my mood is:

Making phone calls

is something I really hate doing. If it's to people I know very well, then it's something within the realms of possibility. But any other time - no way.

My CC wants me to call some people to find out more about joining particular groups. I've got some phone numbers, but to call...no, I just can't see myself doing it. :(

But she's gonna question why I can't make a 'simple' phone call. I just get anxious. I don't know what the other person is going to say on the phone and I can't see their reaction. Sometimes I actually can make a random phone call, but that's when there is a necessity to do so because not doing so will make something happen that will make me feel worse.

Fucking phones.

As an update...

My sleep is now fine. I've got 6 tablets left of zopiclone, but I haven't taken it for almost a month. My appetite could be better. I'm eating unhealthy food and not exercising at all, which is something I want to change. Urm...oh on Thursday my CC said I could stop taking arirpiprazole now and just continue on the sertraline. Got no side effects.

So yeah, just getting on with things as best as I can.

yesterday I felt as though I had to act 'crazy' to get something I'm entitled to.

My CC suggested I'd be eligible for a Freedom Pass, and she gave me a form she'd filled out on my behalf with info from the psychiatric doctor of the EIS team. All I had to do was go to my local service station/centre, fill in another form, show proof of ID then get a letter and go to the Post Office.

When I went to the service station, the guy asked me who the application was for and I said for me. Now please note, freedom passes are for those aged 60 or over or disabled persons. Freedom passes can also be given to those with psychiatric conditions who would not be allowed to hold a valid driving license if they applied for one. But usually when someone thinks of a Freedom pass they think of a visible disability. I have no physical disability so the guy kinda looked surprised, but he managed to hide it well.

Anyway I get the feeling he and the other lady at the service desk were thinking why I was applying for one/thinking 'she shouldn't be entitled'. Except I am. And I had one when I was 16 which was incredibly useful for me.

Having a freedom pass means less stress and worry on money and less chance of missing out on opportunities just because I'm skint. I just felt though that yesterday those that dealt with me thought I was breaking the law or some shit.

Anyway I got the letter and should receive the pass in the next few days. I want my mum to get one though because she is more entitled to it than I am, I believe. Her condition is more 'serious' and enduring. And I do wonder if the DVLA would let her get a driving license.