So I can't sleep.

And I dunno, it might have something to do with the fact that I spent at least 12 hours sleeping this morning. Like...I didn't really properly wake up until 3pm. And that was only because I had a Sainsbury's delivery due between 3-4pm.

I dunno why I've been so tired for the past few days. And I feel so ashamed - I haven't touched my dissertation in days. Not since Monday or Tuesday I think. I'm such a lazy cow.

So yeah, I can't sleep. And I don't want to take any zopiclone. I still have about 6 tabs left but I want to save it in case I really need it. And I've run out of GB from my 3 internet til tomorrow (Monday). So I can't even pass the time online. I just want some company I think. I feel a bit alone. Even when mum came in to say goodnight I was like 'ahh, keep me company!' in a half-joking way.

Oh just seen, it's 20/11/2011. 20/11 if that makes sense.

I dunno why my mood is down. I dunno why I feel....sad. I certainly feel fat, really want to lose the weight I've put on.

Ah I dunno. I keep saying that. Maybe I just need to sleep. Let's see how I feel later.

My feet are cold.

And I've put on so much weight, it's ridiculous.

Also why is my mood up and down, wtf is that about?

Meh, gonna play a bit of Tetris and then hopefully hopefully do some of my dissertation. Woo!

I still feel hungry.

Why is that? I've eaten today already and yet...I wanna eat more. Greedy cow.

Ugh here we go again, I swear this negative part of me is becoming louder and is so harsh.

Bitch. I want you to fuck off.

I don't understand what it is. Is it me? Is it someone else? I think it's me, but in a split sense. I won't say split personality because I don't believe that is me, but it's certainly and definitely something.

And I weighed myself today at those scales you find in chemists - 14st 4lbs / 90.7kg. When I was in hospital in Luton this year I was 77kg. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

As an update...

My sleep is now fine. I've got 6 tablets left of zopiclone, but I haven't taken it for almost a month. My appetite could be better. I'm eating unhealthy food and not exercising at all, which is something I want to change. Urm...oh on Thursday my CC said I could stop taking arirpiprazole now and just continue on the sertraline. Got no side effects.

So yeah, just getting on with things as best as I can.

I need to exercise and lose all this weight I've put on.

But can I be bothered? Nah.

So...I'm supposed to be fine with the weight gain of my meds while it keeps me 'sane'.

Yeah that's fine. Not.