18 months later (part II)

Audio blog entry (6 mins long)

18 months later

- Engaged

- Still working

- Still on anti-depressants

- Having psychotherapy

- Stable

- Hopeful

- Touch wood

:)

It was a 5

Now it's a 6. What's that you say? It's my mood! My mood was a bit down for most of today, staying under the covers, just wasting time playing computer games, nothing of real value. But yesterday I offered to cook for mum and do some stew and fried chicken. She said okay, and after around 3:45pm I started preparing and cooking it. I was listening to my music on the mp3 player, singing out loud. Then afterwards I made some apple & porridge and I have to say my mood improved. I felt happy that I was doing something nice and helpful for mum. And when she came home she said the house smelt nice, and that made me smile. :)

My foot

is itchy as fuck. Been scratching it for the last 5-10 minutes now. Fuckity fuck.

Anyway therapy is going well. Pete* suggested that the negative thinking might be me wanting to maintain a victim role or something. We agreed that I should try and develop the 3rd aspect of my self - i.e. the part that is able to reflect and contradict the negative part. He used a specific word (beginning with 'C' I think) but I've forgotten it...

Also he got a call from my counsellor at uni - apparently she thinks I'm 'talented'. I told him that I find it hard to take on and believe when people say positive things about me. It's like by being negative I avoid disappointing myself and others, so it's almost like a comfort to be negative. It feels safe. Whereas if I'm positive, then there's always the possibility of being 'bought back down to earth' and being hurt.

I'm not a fucking idiot. Ah but it's so easy for me to say I am. No, I'm not an idiot. I am bright, conscientious and well-spoken. Where's the proof? I've gotten A's and B's in my coursework during uni, I've been told numerous times that I'm intelligent, I'm able to read almost anything and understand it, my command of English is very good, and I'm not finding this degree course too hard at all. I am intelligent.

Ah, but isn't it big-headed of people to say 'I'm intelligent'? Okay, I'm bright. I. Am. A. Bright. Person.

And also itchy as fuck, ugh.

So...

I finally got motivated enough to do some of my dissertation work. I spent nearly 3 hours searching online for research papers, spent some time reading about 4 or 5 papers, printed some off etc etc. I feel really happy and proud that I've done as much as I have. I've got two papers in mind that I'll critique and another two that I'll use to evaluate them and stuff. Amazing!

But while I was reading through the first paper, I suddenly thought of the email I got a few days ago from a colleague of mine asking for help with the research module. She's asked for help before and I gave it, even though it was tiring and I went out of my fucking way to help. And I literally mean out of my way.

But the thought of helping her now is just too much. I am fucking cracking here, well not really, not at the moment. But I'm lucky that I have only this module to focus on. I can't be helping someone else out, that's too much stress for me. I need to take things slow.

Ah but how to tell her gently but firmly that I can't help out. I know she'll be like 'oh but please, just help me with this one little piece I don't understand...' and before you know it I'm doing the fucking work for her.

Yes third year is tough. Yes this research piece counts for a high majority of our classification. Yes it's stressful. But shit girl, I got my own problems to deal with. Go to your supervisor, ask other people in the class for help. But don't bother me please, especially if you knew all the shit I've been through this year.

My feet are cold.

And I've put on so much weight, it's ridiculous.

Also why is my mood up and down, wtf is that about?

Meh, gonna play a bit of Tetris and then hopefully hopefully do some of my dissertation. Woo!

One week up, one week down.

Wtf is that all about? Last week I was feeling down and despondent and I wasn't nearing suicide but I just felt generally shit. And now I feel alright. Honestly. How long will this last, who knooooooooows.

Listening to:

Embody by SebastiAn. I really like it.

Ahh I just had beans on toast.

Tastes lovely. And I feel happy so that's cool. ;)

Don't ever come down.

Bitch please don't come down ever, don't cry okay. Yeah I'm amazing right.

Yeah. :D

I'm okay. I'll be amazing. :D

I don't want to sleep later.

What if this feeling I have goes away again? It's not like how it was a few months ago when I was super hyper for a few days, but it's getting there.

Am I forcing it to come out? No, it's just happening. But I don't want it to go away, I want it to become bigger and bigger AND BIGGER!

Be happy all the time, be confident not feel confident BE CONFIDENT. I am confident I'm amazing. I feel good.

I feel fat but I feel good, I'm amazing aren't I? I am aren't I? Wow. No don't say wow you idiot. Don't call me an idiot you fucking bitch.

But I'm good right? I am amazing aren't I? :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Feel good.

Listening to new music on Spotify, currently listening to SebastiAn (French electro). And I went out with mum to get her TV fixed. So yeah, cooolio!

So today was a good day.

Had an appointment to see my previous counsellor today. I updated her on what had happened since I last saw her in May or something. I really like her; she totally understands me and where I'm coming from and she has an affable persona. Anyway she has a colleague I also know and have seen before, and apparently he spoke to one or two of my lecturers and they've said they're pleased with my clinical work and that they have no worries about that. They just want me to be able to get on with the academic side of it which they believe I'm capable of doing.

It was really nice to hear that. It wasn't a case of me thinking I was a bit shit when I'm on placement, but that...well I guess it's just confidence, really.

And as well as that, I was early for my lecture, and the lecturer saw me sitting outside the classroom about to start my knitting. She invited me in and we had quite a nice chat. She asked me how I was doing and I dunno, I just blurted out how I was trying to get back to 'normal' but was worried about things going wrong again. She also has an affable nature; very easy to talk to. She said it would take time, just like how a broken leg would take months to heal. And I guess she's right.

I'm just...I just keep on relapsing that's all. Hospital at 16, 20 and 22. Two suicide attempts. Self-harm. Depression. What else is wrong with me? Anxiety. Low self-esteem. Low confidence. Shy. Quiet. An irritant. I know this is most likely negative talking but I can't help it. I don't feel like a good enough person. I will never be good enough. Never.


And yet...I know I'm a nice person. I'm a good person. I'm considerate, conscientious. Nice, a good listener. I try to make sure people are alright before me. Sometimes that's to my disadvantage, but it's all with good intentions.

So why do I feel like this? Why do I think this way? Why do I hate myself so much?

Is it possible to come back after two suicide attempts?

I am fucking cracking here. Why the fuck am I crying? I had a good day. I was confident(ish). I was walking around listening to my MP3 player thinking it was the soundtrack to my life. I was told I was bright, that I'd make a good nurse. Capable...But I can't believe any of this shit.


I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

I'd make a good nurse.


I just want an answer. Will everything be alright? I mean think about it - Two suicide attempts by the age of 22. No coping strategies. Family history of psychosis/mental ill health.

I AM FUCKED.

Why me btw? I mean seriously, this is just taking the piss. UGH I WAS HAVING A GOOD DAY.

Feeling better.

Today's a 6 btw, on the mood scale thingy-whatever-you-want-to-call-it bullshit.

Was tempted to go to my cousin's place but I'll go tomorrow. Right now I'm just chilling drinking orange juice and listening to music.

Everything went better than expected.

I enjoyed myself, managed to talk to people and get on with them quite well. This cohort seems quite lovely. :) Bring on tomorrow.

Personality test

you are a thinker

Your cautiousness, appreciation of functionality, and imagination combine to make you a THINKER.

You have a vivid capacity for imagery that allows you to see beyond your present circumstances.

You like to be sure of yourself before voicing your opinion.

A lot of your time is spent at home, or with the people you care about.

Although you may dream often, you're very aware of how things work, and you value things that work well.

You take comfort in the familiar, and value predictability—and others value those things in you.

Accordingly, you prefer a set routine, and although you often imagine how things can be different, you're hesitant to take risks to change things.

Sometimes you doubt whether you have the ability to face certain challenges, but your practical focus helps you solve most problems.

Because of this, you tend to be more reactive than proactive, thinking thoroughly about the challenges that you face.

You have a broad-based, theoretical understanding of the world that allows you to understand its workings.

You're not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options.

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

You much prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute. Your decisions are well thought out, and you're not the least bit impulsive.

you are considerate

You trust others, care about them, and are slow to judge them, making you CONSIDERATE.

You value your close relationships very much, and are more likely to spend time in small, tightly-knit groups of friends than in large crowds.

You enjoy exploring the world through observation, quietly watching others.

Relating to others so well, and understanding their emotions, leads you to trust people in general, even though you're somewhat shy and reserved at times.

Your belief that people are generally well-intentioned contributes to your sympathy regarding their problems.

Although you may not vocalize it often, you have an awareness of how society affects individuals, and you understand complex causes of people's behavior.

You like to look at all sides of a situation before making a judgment, particularly when that situation involves important things in other people's lives.

Your close friends know you as a good listener.

http://www.personaldna.com/

I now have a care co-ordinator from.... drum roll please...

Early Intervention in Psychosis! This is due to the family history of psychosis, hallucinations etc etc.

So yeah. No big deal. Having said that, I'm feeling good today. I feel like I'm ready to go back to university when I'm able to.