Eating.

I think the increase in sertraline is kicking in because my appetite has gone through the roof. I can’t stop wanting to eat, even when I know I’ve eaten enough. This is crazy. I know I can exercise but it’s hard to exercise (I want to skip) when you live in a first floor flat. And I’d feel uncomfortable skipping at crisis house with the potential for other residents seeing me.

What the fuck am I meant to do? Either I keep taking the meds and have positive mental health or reduce them/stop taking them/take a different anti-depressant and risk feeling like shit again.

Oooh mental illness, you are a c*nt.

So apparently I don't even have OCD. Whatever.

Still can't sleep btw

I am not schizoaffective.

Can I just say I disagree with my diagnosis. The doctor is coming in about 6 hours, and I want to ask her exactly what makes her think I have schizoaffective disorder. I haven't had any psychotic....oh wait I have.

Seriously, I just remembered on the day I got sectioned and restrained last year I had a delusionary thought that my mum and the staff (one staff in particular) were up to something. My mum had come to visit me as usual and she did something she never usually did. She told me to take care of myself. And a staff member was there and said "We'll look after" and smiled. He later had to restrain me with about 1 or 2 other male members of staff.

Being restrained is not fun. I didn't get the opportunity to be debriefed over what happened, which created some resentment initally. I still feel angry towards having been tranquillised, as I was calm until the manager told me off for sitting on the desk/barrier near the nurse's office. At least I took the haloperidol orally and didn't have to suffer the humilation of being given an IM in my arse in front of everyone.

But I digress. That was only one episode. So does that make this diagnosis valid? Cos I don't have any psychotic/delusionary features when I'm well. I know it may not seem important to most people, but I want to know who I am. Having a label atually helps sometimes. It gives me a sense of knowing what's wrong with me, why I may act in a particular way and so on.

Am I in denial? No. I refute the fact that I have a 'psychosis-based' diagnosis.

Mad girl

Just leaving this here...

I slept at 10pm by accident. I woke up 2 hours later still in my jeans and top. I was gonna take zopiclone but I guess my body had other ideas. And now it's too late to take it.

It's 2:09am and I'm just surfing the net, nothing to do...la la la.

2 overdoses and a weekend away in Malta

The above statement/title is not entirely true. I have had two suicide attempts but have never been to Malta.

So my modus operandi seems to be paracetamol. As a teenager I took about 9 or 10 tablets. I was intending to take more, but I'd crushed them for some reason.

At the age of 22, a mere few months ago, I took another overdose. A big one. Approximately 40 tablets/20mg of paracetamol with some ibuprofen & asprin, requiring an IV drip of n-acetylcysteine and some projectile vomiting. Both overdoses were with the intent to die.

There's a checklist or something on suicide intent. This isn't the one I was thinking of, but it'll do:

I ticked all the boxes on both occassions. So yeah.

Dreams bordering on nightmares are not nice.

Happy pills

A sexy line-up of pills, featuring from l-r: 100mg sertraline, 10mg arirpiprazole and 50mg sertraline.

Cakey

Made Lemon Drizzle cake at Crisis House today. Thought it was gonna end up shit because it started to overflow in the tin and drip down into the oven, but it looks okay. Can't taste it though, it's got eggs, and I dislike 'em.

Started thinking negatively when that happened as well. I tried to counteract these thoughts; I almost wanted to bang my head against the wall. I'm too much of a perfectionist.

Erm wut? Sertraline also causes insomnia. I’ve had 50mg before with no problem, so I still think it’s Ablify causing the sleep problems. But I am on 150mg now and was on 75mg and 100mg a few weeks before.

Also in rare causes sertraline can cause heart attacks. Ay carumba!

Took the z-drug during my weekend leave cos HTT came to deliver it, but they haven’t delivered any more. I know I asked for it to be PRN, but c’mon...ugh, I hate arirpiprazole. You bastard.

PS: 3.75mg doesn’t seem to be very effective for some reason. Meh.

Well hello there, 5AM time.

Zopiclone and being drunk

Last night I took 3.75mg of zopiclone. In the past I've had it at this dose and it worked, but last night it didn't totally work. I mean yeah, I was able to sleep through most of the night, but I still woke up early. I took another dose tonight about half an hour ago. I feel drowsy but still slightly alert.

It'd be nice to feel refreshed in the morning. *yawn* Here. We. Go.

PS: I haven't consumed any alcohol, it's just that zopiclone makes me feel as though I have.

One good thing about being a student nurse and having MH issues is the fact that I read up on things that happen or might happen to me (in terms of psychiatry) and it broadens my knowledge of the mind.

Huh, I guess there is a positive to being so depressed when you want to die in an instant.

2 things

1: I went on price-drop.tv earlier and bought (a seriously sexy looking red) handbag for £15 (minus P+P), even though I'm nearly skint

2: Because I went to her concert 2 years ago and fucking love her.....

FUCK YOU, MENTAL ILLNESS

*sigh*

Everyone I know is moving on with their life. I've got school friends having babies, getting engaged, graduating. And yet here I am: depressed, in a crisis/rehabilitation house, 3 or 4 hospitalisations, 2 suicide attempts, self harm, postponing my uni course yet again...the list goes on.

But do you know what I regret? Not having a boyfriend. Someone to hold onto, to hug, kiss, laugh, cry.

When I took my 2nd overdose, I was in a public area. And a guy got chatting to me (he didn't know I'd taken an overdose btw. It was like he saw me popping pills and thought he'd nonchantly try and chat me up). His name was Kim, and he gave me his number but I lost it as I was being assisted to the ambulance that was called for me. I know a few details about him, but not his last name, or the uni he studied in, or the place he works at. I'm gutted that I can't seem to find him. I honestly got on well with him, and I keep thinking things will be even btter if I find him...

Let me find him.

My zopiclone didn’t get delivered, so guess who’s gonna be feeling shit in the morning? ME!

What the fuck...

AAAARGH, someone knocked on my door 5 minutes ago. I was having a dream about reading Wikipedia about how people in the UK are related to the French and how they used to fight with wolves, then their blood would mix with the wolves’ blood creating a werewolf (I know, weird). I’m having enough trouble as it is trying to stay asleep without random people knocking on my door at night. I think I know who it is but still.

The doctor came yesterday. She’s increased my antidepressant of sertraline to 150mg. I feel apprehensive about that. What if I go waaaaaay too high on that dose? No offence, but I don’t wanna end up like Stacey Slater in Eastenders.

I also asked for PRN zopiclone. Zopiclone is amazing. It knocks you out; it’s almost like being drunk. And you sleep so soundly. I didn’t want to take it last night cos my sleep appeared to be improving a little bit, but guess what? Someone’s gonna be taking a lil 3.75mg dose tonight.

Life is such a vicious bitch; I wanna fucking stab it.

I can't sleep!

It’s annoying. For I dunno how many weeks, I’ve been unable to have a full night’s sleep. Every day, I go to bed at let’s say 10-11pm, and wake up a few hours later at 2, 3, 4 or sometimes 5 in the morning. Then I can’t sleep for a few hours before falling asleep at around 6am.

This is insomnia, right? Inability to sleep or stay asleep? I think it’s arirpiprazole causing it. I’m on 10mg (low dose) but I already had side effects of akathesia on 5mg, so I don’t doubt this sleeping problem is down to this tiny weeny tablet.

It’s all cute and innocent, this tablet. Also known as Abilify (‘abilify’ you to what, not sleep?) 5mg is a pale blue colour while 10mg is a pale baby pink. I’m tempted to stop taking it, but at the same time I don’t want to continue my family’s tradition of experiencing psychotic episodes. Being depressed and occasionally being high ‘n’ hyper is far enough for me, thanks.