CPA

went okay. Nothing major. Though I was giggly. Maybe more so than usual, I dunno. The doctor asked if I'm usually like that and I couldn't really answer if I was or not. I don't think I am, but who knows. My CC said she thinks it's the real me, which was cool and nice to hear.

No change in meds, and the doc said she'll review in 3 months time. Coolio.

Ah

it's bloody cold. Fuck this.

My mood

is slowly but surely coming down. Fuck.

I'm worrying about something.

What, I don't know. Ugh wtf, I was fine, now I'm worrying, stressing, no not stressing, just worrying. Anxiety~

To sleep or not to sleep?

Yeah that is a question.

So...

I finally got motivated enough to do some of my dissertation work. I spent nearly 3 hours searching online for research papers, spent some time reading about 4 or 5 papers, printed some off etc etc. I feel really happy and proud that I've done as much as I have. I've got two papers in mind that I'll critique and another two that I'll use to evaluate them and stuff. Amazing!

But while I was reading through the first paper, I suddenly thought of the email I got a few days ago from a colleague of mine asking for help with the research module. She's asked for help before and I gave it, even though it was tiring and I went out of my fucking way to help. And I literally mean out of my way.

But the thought of helping her now is just too much. I am fucking cracking here, well not really, not at the moment. But I'm lucky that I have only this module to focus on. I can't be helping someone else out, that's too much stress for me. I need to take things slow.

Ah but how to tell her gently but firmly that I can't help out. I know she'll be like 'oh but please, just help me with this one little piece I don't understand...' and before you know it I'm doing the fucking work for her.

Yes third year is tough. Yes this research piece counts for a high majority of our classification. Yes it's stressful. But shit girl, I got my own problems to deal with. Go to your supervisor, ask other people in the class for help. But don't bother me please, especially if you knew all the shit I've been through this year.

My feet are cold.

And I've put on so much weight, it's ridiculous.

Also why is my mood up and down, wtf is that about?

Meh, gonna play a bit of Tetris and then hopefully hopefully do some of my dissertation. Woo!

One week up, one week down.

Wtf is that all about? Last week I was feeling down and despondent and I wasn't nearing suicide but I just felt generally shit. And now I feel alright. Honestly. How long will this last, who knooooooooows.

Oh hey...

(x)

Listening to:

Embody by SebastiAn. I really like it.

You know when you're motivated but can't be bothered at the same time?

Yeah. That's me right now.

I transferred £48.52 into my account a few days ago...

and £18.52 of that was to pay for this months internet. But I can't for the life of me remember why I needed an extra £30 in there.

Oh wait! Just remembered - overdraft fees. Ha, I'm so silly sometimes.

Ahh I just had beans on toast.

Tastes lovely. And I feel happy so that's cool. ;)

Don't ever come down.

Bitch please don't come down ever, don't cry okay. Yeah I'm amazing right.

Yeah. :D

I'm okay. I'll be amazing. :D

I don't want to sleep later.

What if this feeling I have goes away again? It's not like how it was a few months ago when I was super hyper for a few days, but it's getting there.

Am I forcing it to come out? No, it's just happening. But I don't want it to go away, I want it to become bigger and bigger AND BIGGER!

Be happy all the time, be confident not feel confident BE CONFIDENT. I am confident I'm amazing. I feel good.

I feel fat but I feel good, I'm amazing aren't I? I am aren't I? Wow. No don't say wow you idiot. Don't call me an idiot you fucking bitch.

But I'm good right? I am amazing aren't I? :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D