Oof

I completely forgot about this blog but logging in for the first time in years it all suddenly came back to me.

Things are okay at the moment. I'm still working as a ______ (not sure if I'd already disclosed my job in previous posts), I'm now married, have a mortgage, and a baby on the way. Funny how life changes. When you're in the throes of depression it is so hard to see past the darkness that envelopes you. Hard to think about the future, let alone think about what you'll do in an hour's time.

I'm still on antidepressants, no doubt about it. But I've had CBT for my OCD and anxiety. I've had amazing support from my line manager and colleagues at my work place (which I've been there for five, FIVE, years). I've never been told what my official diagnosis is on my medical records but as far as I'm concerned it's just depression and anxiety (with a sprinkling of OCD). I haven't developed any features of bipolar or schizoaffective disorder. I think what I was experiencing almost 10 years ago was just heightened anxiety and perhaps one off episodes of hypomania ?as a result of my antidepressants, who knows.

If someone had told me back then that I'd be where I am now, I'd laugh and say you were being cruel making such a sick joke like that. Like I said earlier, it's hard to envisage the future when the black dog nips incessantly at your feet. I'm in a very privileged and thankful place in my life where things seem to be going alright (minus the whole global pandemic we've got).

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I guess I just wanted to update this blog with something positive. And say to anyone who happens to come across this blog - it will get better. It won't be easy, it won't happen instantly, and there will be bumps along the way where you feel you're headed back to square one. There is no shame in "failing" and relapsing. It doesn't mean everything has been a waste of time. I've relapsed a few times in the last few years and I don't think I'll personally be able to cope without antidepressants in my life now. Sad (pun not intended) but true for my experience and life. Doesn't mean it'll be the same for you.

Basically, keep climbing that mountain of depression/anxiety/whatever you're struggling with. It will get better. And you will get through it as a stronger person than you ever would've imagined.

18 months later (part II)

Audio blog entry (6 mins long)

18 months later

- Engaged

- Still working

- Still on anti-depressants

- Having psychotherapy

- Stable

- Hopeful

- Touch wood

:)

Remember this delightfully positive post?

[N]ow I'm thinking of what I'll be doing this time next year. Will I be working or be in a really bad shape? [Friday 20th July 2012]

Well guess what, non-existent readers of this seldom updated blog? I passed my degree and I've been working for the past 6-7 months in a career I've wanted to do for years and years. Am I happy? I am hesitant to answer in the affirmative. But I am not sad, unhappy nor depressed. I am still taking antidepressants, though I am no longer seeing a community mental health specialist and have been discharged  back to my GP months ago. I have a wonderful and loving boyfriend who makes me happy and I can't remember the last time I truly, truly, got stressed to the point of wanting to do something...bad.*

*that's actually a lie, I can remember a good few months ago I had to take a day off cos work got very stressful and I ended up basically having to deal with a situation I was almost out of my depth for

Regardless, this is a nice post. Let's see if the next one (if there even is one) will be as positive.

I think, therefore I am

    I'm 'The Thinker'! I just took the Avatar Yourself Quiz and this is me http://avatar.wikia.visualdna.com/attempts/630365e9-7412-4cc2-b2f3-20913edb9aab/feedback. What about you? http://avatar.wikia.visualdna.com/quizzes/2d355b5e-3a03-516f-b31a-10cac777605c/api-accounts/7d64f5d6-4454-5ddd-8a7a-a555744600e8

And another one...

ISFJ: The Martyr

If you are an ISFJ, you are giving, generous, and believe strongly in sacrificing yourself to serve your fellow man. Whether you're spending the entire weekend cooking souffle for your husband's big dinner with his boss or giving over your body as a vehicle for the Shoggoth from beneath the ancient city of the Old Ones so that the Great Gods can rise again, selflessness and service are your hallmarks.

This generosity of spirit makes ISFJs admirably suited for any career positions involving being tied to altars or ancient ritual daggers. ISFJs also do well in positions such as teacher, doctor, and crack whore.

RECREATION: ISFJs are of such a self-sacrificing nature that recreation does not come easily to them. Their leisure pursuits often express their inner natures; thus, they often amuse themselves and provide endless entertainment for those around them by being moody and passive-aggressive.

COMPATIBILITY: ISFJs do well in relationships with ENTJs, who take their self-sacrifice for granted and expect no less from their minions. They also do well with ESFPs, because...well, ESFPs will shag anyone.

Famous ISFJs include Thomas the Martyr, Tertullian the Martyr, and Theka the Martyr.

(link)

Also...

Based on one of those tests I took, I appear to have the martyr/victim complex.

"The martyr is one who employs self-sacrifice and victimization as a way of avoiding to take responsibility for their life. They are prepared, however, to take responsibility for everyone else's life.

They are invariably unhappy and unfulfilled because they deny their own needs for the sake of others. They view life as a struggle, and themselves as a bastion of righteousness in an ungrateful world." (link)

Personality tests galore

Just leaving this here...

R-Drive Personality Test Results Narcissism |||||| 22% Unconventionality |||||||||||||| 55% Empiricism |||||||||||| 50% Identity |||| 16% Othercentricism |||||||||||||||| 66% Independence |||||||||||||||||| 72% Integrity |||||||||||| 50% Intellect |||||||||||||||||| 72% Stoicism |||||||||| 38% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 55% Dynamism || 6% Activity |||||| 27% Romanticism |||||| 22% Hedonism |||||||||| 38%

Take Free R-Drive Personality Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

---

ISFJ

follows the rules, polite, fears drawing attention to self, dislikes competition, somewhat easily frightened, easily offended, timid, dutiful, private, lower energy, finisher, organized, socially uncomfortable, modest, not confrontational, easily hurt, observer, prone to crying, not spontaneous, does not appreciate strangeness - intolerant to differences, apprehensive, clean, planner, prone to confusion, afraid of many things, responsible, guarded, avoidant, anxious, cautious, suspicious, more interested in relationships and family than intellectual pursuits, not adventurous, fears doing the wrong thing, dislikes change ---

Big Five Word Test Results

Extroversion (15%) very low which suggests you are extremely reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive. Accommodation (78%) high which suggests you are overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense too often of your own individual development (martyr complex). Orderliness (47%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, structured, and self controlled while still remaining flexible, varied, and fun. Emotional Stability (38%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Inquisitiveness (41%) moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly small minded, traditional, and conventional at the expense of intellectual curiousity, possibility, and progress.

Take Free Big Five Word Choice Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

RLUAN 

socially unskilled, unable to speak up for self, depressed, low self confidence, afraid of providing criticism, discontent, negative, apologetic, not a leader, quiet around strangers, prone to lateness, easy to fool, low energy level, easily distracted, feels defective, avoids crowds, avoids unnecessary social interaction, easy to persuade, avoidant, anxious, worrying, pessimist, unambitious, private, dependent, easily hurt, self loathing, frequently overwhelmed by unpleasant emotions, dislikes the spotlight, afraid to draw attention to self, fearful, weak sense or purpose, easily discouraged, lonely, not punctual, finishes work late, unadventurous, uninterested in science, prone to panic, easily embarrassed, happy doing mindless work, unproductive, loner, embarrassed by praise, prone to tears, easy to influence, feels unattractive, uncompetitive, modest, apprehensive about new encounters, second guesses self, feels untalented, not big on philosophical discussions, hesitant, undemanding, overly nice, avoids being a bother to anyone Accommodating (17.1% of women; 14% of men) happiest when giving to others, not self absorbed, wants to carry on traditions of family, not materialistic, modest, serves others, not domineering, overly loyal, not competitive, does not need instant gratification, not controlling, compassionate, sympathetic, sensitive to the needs of others, not manipulative, gets along with others, does not make enemies, not vain, dislikes conflict, constructive, prone to spirituality, can be a doormat, good at taking advice, can be submissive

---

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||| 16% Stability |||||||||| 38% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 55% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||| 77% Intellectual |||||||||||| 50% Interdependence |||||||||| 33% Mystical |||| 16% Materialism |||||| 25% Narcissism |||| 16% Adventurousness 0% Work ethic |||||||||||||| 58% Conflictseeking |||| 16% Need to dominate |||| 16% Romantic |||||||||||||| 58% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 66% Anti-authority |||||| 25% Wealth || 8% Dependency |||||||||||||| 55% Change averse |||||||||||||||||| 77% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||| 75% Individuality |||||||||||||||| 61% Sexuality |||||||||||| 41% Peter pancomplex |||||||||||||||| 66% Histrionic |||||| 25% Vanity |||| 16% Artistic |||||| 25% Hedonism |||||||||||| 50% Physicalfitness |||||| 27% Religious || 8% Paranoia |||||| 25% Hypersensitivity |||||||||| 38% Indie |||||||||||||| 58%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun. Extraversion results were very low which suggests you are extremely reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:

clean, secretive, does not make friends easily, observer, hates large parties, risk averse, perfectionist, reclusive, solitude loving, more practical than abstract, does not like to stand out, high self control, intellectual, mind over heart, very cautious, takes precautions, respects authority, irritable, emotionally sensitive

---

MOTIV Personality Test Results href="http://similarminds.com/motiv/materialist.html">Materialistic

||||||||||
36%
Offbeat
||||||||||||||
56%
Thinking
||||||||||||||||
63%
Intimate
||||||||||||||||||
76%
Vitality
||||||
26%
Take Free MOTIV Personality Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

Huh, I thought I last wrote on here a few months ago. Never mind. I just realised: now that my placement is officially finished, I have practically nothing to do to occupy my time. I am kinda back to square one i.e: end of last year/beginning of this year when I was only in uni once or twice a week and had no other activities planned. I was totally oblivious to how much time placement took up. And now I have to wait and see if my late assignment submission will be accepted. I don't believe it will be. And now I'm thinking of what I'll be doing this time next year. Will I be working or be in a really bad shape?

Already I can feel something happening to me. I don't feel 'with it'. I kinda feel numb and not bothered by things, more so than usual. And I'm sure it will only get worse; with no real incentive or reason to go outside regularly for at least the next few weeks, I'm going to stay up later and later, making my sleep patterns fucked and my mood all slippery.

I might ask if I can be prescribed aripiprazole again. I can feel a storm brewing. And even if everything 'goes well' with uni, who's to say my life will be happily ever after? I have tried to die on two occasions, and people usually say 'third time lucky'. But I can't think of a suitable way to die. I am not going down the paracetamol route again, and even if I had access to a gun I wouldn't use it. But it's not only that; there's people around me who would not want me to die. So...I have to hang on. Begrudgingly.

I haven't got active plans, btw. It's just been circling around my head for weeks, maybe months. As a kind of 'Plan B'.

Never mind.

If you're gonna delete a post of mine on a forum

At least fucking PM me about it. Fuck you.

I understand why it was deleted (it wasn't offensive but anyway) but instead of sneakily deleting it and hoping no-one would mention it again, PM me yeah? What, you think I wouldn't fucking notice? Fuck off. Dick.

That awkward moment

when you only get 2 and a half hours sleep and you wake up accidentally by scratching your head.

So I can't sleep.

And I dunno, it might have something to do with the fact that I spent at least 12 hours sleeping this morning. Like...I didn't really properly wake up until 3pm. And that was only because I had a Sainsbury's delivery due between 3-4pm.

I dunno why I've been so tired for the past few days. And I feel so ashamed - I haven't touched my dissertation in days. Not since Monday or Tuesday I think. I'm such a lazy cow.

So yeah, I can't sleep. And I don't want to take any zopiclone. I still have about 6 tabs left but I want to save it in case I really need it. And I've run out of GB from my 3 internet til tomorrow (Monday). So I can't even pass the time online. I just want some company I think. I feel a bit alone. Even when mum came in to say goodnight I was like 'ahh, keep me company!' in a half-joking way.

Oh just seen, it's 20/11/2011. 20/11 if that makes sense.

I dunno why my mood is down. I dunno why I feel....sad. I certainly feel fat, really want to lose the weight I've put on.

Ah I dunno. I keep saying that. Maybe I just need to sleep. Let's see how I feel later.

Fuck.

I went out and felt anxious. Felt that people were looking at me. I was even waiting at a crossing for cars to go past, and caught someone looking straight at me. That just kinda confirms my fears, doesn't it?

I try and rationalise my thoughts and say 'oh maybe it's just people admiring your hairstyle (got black & blue plaits)' or 'people are just glancing like you usually do when you're out and about'. But...it feels more than that. People. Are. Watching.

When I was in Crisis House a few months ago, there was a period where I thought if I was thinking too much, then people would be able to hear what I was thinking. Sometimes I still think that but....ugh.

And why has my mood come down? Last weekend I was feeling happy, then at the start of this week I was even happier...But it's not true happiness. I know it's not, it doesn't feel real.

Maybe I have got schizoaffective disorder. I wouldn't be surprised. I dunno wtf is going on. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!

Oh hey...

I feel like shit and my internet is nearly finished. Won't get it topped up til Monday or something. *sigh* I feel sleepy, I don't know why, I went to bed at the same time I usually do. And I'm worrying again over nothing I can think of. I'm so tired I can't even be bothered to go out. I told myself I'd go to my cousin's place today but I just can't be bothered. And I need to go out and buy food, well I've just completed an online order for Sainsbury's tomorrow. I just want to stay iiiiiiiiiin.

I'm so tired I haven't even taken my medication yet. I might just skip it, now that it's nearly 3 in the afternoon.

It was a 5

Now it's a 6. What's that you say? It's my mood! My mood was a bit down for most of today, staying under the covers, just wasting time playing computer games, nothing of real value. But yesterday I offered to cook for mum and do some stew and fried chicken. She said okay, and after around 3:45pm I started preparing and cooking it. I was listening to my music on the mp3 player, singing out loud. Then afterwards I made some apple & porridge and I have to say my mood improved. I felt happy that I was doing something nice and helpful for mum. And when she came home she said the house smelt nice, and that made me smile. :)